End of all things.

My loves. I apologize for going all MIA. For now, this is me signing off.

For those of you that I am close to, find me on facebook! Just because I cant seem to get my ass into gear and write more then once a month, doesnt mean that I dont wanna keep in touch with you guys!

http://www.facebook.com/#!/profile.php?id=691143966

X's and O's for everyone.

:)

The Incredible Tattooed Lady...

Its a sickness. Its like pringles. Once you pop, you cant stop. At least, I cant. I got my first tattoo, my dreaded tramp stamp, on my 18th birthday. My best friend at the time and I, had the same birthday. We decided to get the same tattoo. We walked into a shop, we decided on our name with two roses at either end. I got mine. She didnt get hers. Not that that is why I hate it. Its just not something I thought about thoroughly. I waited 8 whole years before I got another one. (Although, I did fill that gap with 4 piercings...) I have the quote "Live Fast, Love Hard, Die Young" on my foot. Its the same quote that is one my dads arm. My mom hates that it says Die Young on my foot. Sorry Ma :)

The one on my foot is gorgeous, I absolutely love the script. I planned to get another tattoo while in Vegas last weekend...however i spent more money then I intended, so I had to scrap that idea.

I emailed a girl who comes highly recommended on Yelp. Im going in on Friday night to a tattoo right under my left breast. It will say "Per l'amaro e il dolce" which means "for the bitter and the sweet" in italian. Im also speaking to her about getting a piece for my mom on the rib cage-and anchor(mom) and a swallow(me) I dont want to get that one until I hit 199 pounds though. A reward for hitting onederland. I swore I wouldnt get another body tattoo(feet dont count!) until I hit my goal weight...by why put life on hold?

Pictures to follow lovies :)

Xo,
M

Carbs and The Government

I am employed by my parents. This morning, after getting my grandmother(who I take care of full time) breakfast,changed and whatnot, I decided to make breakfast. My dad is off today, so I ask him if he's hungry. He says no. I rummage through the fridge and find they have all the makings for BLTs. Mmmm. I ask dad one more time if he wants breakfast. He says no, again.

"Okay. But Im making myself a BLT"

"I could be hungry for BLTs..."

So, I throw bacon in a pan, cut up the veggies and what not; I walk to the pantry to grab the bread. Two different kinds, each with two pieces left(besides the ends which I always throw away. Not sure why...)Oat and Honey(ew) and Double Fiber(ew) I make my choice based on carbs. Double Fiber for me.

Before I contunue, I should say that I hate bread. Honestly. The only bread I choose to eat is sourdough or french...basically the same thing. Even when I was a kid, I didnt like sandwiches...unless it was BLTs or grilled cheese. And when having said sandwiches, it needed to be white bread. With the crusts cut off. That was basically the only thing I was finicky about, food wise.

So, I build the sandwiches. As soon as I take the toast out of the toaster, I realize two things. While in for the exact same amount of time, my dads is a delightful shade of golden brown. Mine is the color of milk chocolate. *Sigh*

Wrap em up in paper towels. I bite into mine. Crunchy. Too crunchy. its tearing up the roof of my mouth. And it kind of taste like dirt.

So, I ask you, my fellow weight warriors:

In this day in age, where we can clone animals and grow ears on rats. Where google can retrieve search results in less then a seconds and I can share my back to school pictures of Kylie with the 375 people on my facebook at once...why the hell does food still make us fat? Why do "healthy" alternatives to bread, chips, ice cream and such, taste like absolute shit. Why isnt there something I can fry my chicken in, that wont raise my cholesterol? I hate to get all conspiracy theory, but is the government trying to keep us obese? Some sort of "survival of the fittest"? I just cant believe there isnt a way to reduce the bad without compromising taste.

Why doesnt my insurance pay for a gym membership? Wouldnt you rather just shell our 200 bucks a year instead of having me come to the doctor every few weeks with another ailment. Because we all know that whatever is wrong with me is going to be attributed to the fact that I am overweight.

Dear Government,

Youre fucking up. But thats nothing new.

Xo,
Mary

Lo Siento

Seriously, for someone who dreams of being a writer, I sure am bad at it. Or at least with keeping up with it.

Uh, so weight wise, still hovering around the 218-221 range. Im going to start walking again and hope that the weight starts to come off again. We'll see I suppose.

I actually also started looking into lower body lifts. Its basically a tummy tuck, except for more extreme cases of flab. Id love to figure out how much of this hanging ab thing Ive got going on is just loose skin. Of course, this requires thousands of dollars. Thousands of dollars that I dont own. However, if anyone that follows this is either
a. wealthy and looking to give money away

or

b. a cosmetic surgeon

by all means, email me! Lol. Actually, if your giving money away, Id rather have a house. Or a college fund for the little monster :)

I had a birthday! I am now 27. Late twenties. That sounds less sexy then mid twenties. Early thirties just sounds scary. Although I still have some time before then.

Kylie went back to school. Shes a first grader now. Ridiculous! She really likes school, and thankfully her bff from last year is in her class.

So enough about my responsible mom side, right? :)

My irresponsible side is so much more fun!

Going to Vegas in 10 days. Was REALLY hoping I was gonna hit onederland, but I am 40 pounds lighter then the last time I was there. Im planning on marrying my best friend when I am there.

That calls for futher explanation I guess. Lol. So, my best male friend is already married. He, his wife, our friend Ryan and I have a running joke that Ryan is my California husband and Bub(my BFF) will be my Vegas husband, with the reverse being true for Bubs wife. We were all hanging out last night and decided to all go and get married while in Vegas. Of course, we realize it wont be legal. But thats the kind of stuff me and my friends do I guess. After re-reading this...Im sure some of you are thinking I am insane. And maybe I am. But, I am looking forward to the shots and strippers reception.

Now normally, Id be all boy crazy and pack my most modestly slutty things I own for a trip to Sin City. But, strangely, I dont want to do. A boy ruined me. AND we're not even dating. But I want to date him. And therefore I feel like I shouldnt be running all wild? Oh my...Im growing up.

Said boy, is most definitely a trip. We have a great time together, but we are ALWAYS hanging out with other people. His cousin is my best female friends husband. So we are quite entangled...I mean, his family already considers me family. I have dinner with his mom and aunt on a regular basis. Ive had his best friends tell me that he is shy and moves slow when it comes to girls, so to not give up on him. Ive also been told that he has NEVER had a girlfriend. I intend to break that streak. Hes very goofy and cocky and sarcastic when we are around other people, but he's also super romantic and affectionate and adorable. You ever had a guy kiss you and you think to yourself "This is movie moment worthy" Yeah, he kisses like that. I just let out an extremely girly sigh and am totally batting my eyes.

Okay, so, who wants to give me advice on how to reel this guy in?

Love love love all of you :)

Xo,
M

Movie Theater Etiquette

So, last night I went and saw the midnight showing of The Other Guys. I personally, hate going to movies anywhere near the time the come out. I hate watching movies in a theater of other people. Even more so when the theater is packed. EVEN MORE SO when I have to sit next to people I dont know.

Here are a list of rules people, in general, should abide by to make EVERYONES experience enjoyable.

1. Silence is still golden. Except in the technology age, its not you talking to the person next to you that makes me want to rip your head off. Its the fact that you answer your cell phone. Youre actually answering your cell phone. I realize(as a mom) that sometimes, you cant always get out of answering your cell phone. But for the love of god, you cant walk into the hallway to do it? And lets be honest, no one that has the audacity to answer the phone whispers. You are brash. Bold. Boardline yelling. Shut the fuck up please.

2. Just because your not talking on your phone, doesnt mean that your texting isnt also irritating. Your bright ass light that keeps going off every three seconds? Yeah, Im not into that.

3. Dont kick the back of my chair. For any reason. Child, teenager, adult. I dont care. Do not kick the back of my chair. If you do not immediately appologize, I will turn around and say something. Vicious.

4. If there is an empty seat next to me...while I appreciate that you are not putting your feet on my chair...but dont put it on the one next to me either. Its disrespectful and I dont want to smell your feet. On that note, as well, dont take your shoes off in the theater. Gross.

5. If you are going to chew sunflower seeds, bring a bag/cup/hand to spit the shells into. Last night, I picked two wet shells off my arm. I nearly punched the guy.

6. I find it absolutely disgusting when selfish parents bring their children into movies that are clearly inappropriate for them. Not only is it irritating to hear your baby/child cry, but there is a reason that these movies are rated R. Dont get my started on children in movie theaters at like, 10 pm...

7. Im all for PDA at the movie theaters. I find it quite hot. But, to pull this off properly, you need to find a movie that has been out for weeks at an odd showing. No one will be there. Have at it. The fact that you elbowed me when you went to straddle your man friend is what had me get you thrown out of the theater.

8. Why the hell would you eat a tuna sandwich at the theater?

I guess Ill get off my soapbox...

Xo,
M

Birth Control. An obviously raunchy post.

I am not the girl that EVER remembers to do something every day. Not good at taking antibiotics or birth control pills. My daughter is the result of missing ONE DAY(I swear!) worth of Yaz. Obviously, if you've been reading my blog, you know that while little boo is my only child, she is not the only time I have been pregnant. And the last time I had to go through the pain of an abortion(more mental then physical) I decided to get aggressive with my bc.

I have been on the pill since I was 17. And about 6 months ago now, I decided to try the ring. I went online to read reviews on it. I read horror stories about how people spiraled into dark depressions. How they lashed out at loved ones. And anal leakage. Ew.

Fortunately, I havent killed myself, anyone around me or had to start wearing diapers. However, I have had some weird side effects. When using the ring, you are instructed to change it once every 3 weeks. Put in a new one and continue the cycle for 3 months. At the end of the three months, you leave it out for a week, having your period. Then, another 3 month cycle.

Holy shit. Heavy-ist period ever. Seriously, I cant believe I stayed alive. Im talking a box of ultra plus tampons in a little over 2 days. I slept. A lot.

Orgasms hurt slightly with the ring in. Granted, they say you can take it out for sex as long as you get it back in in a certain time frame.But that seems counter productive to me. I know it releases hormones into your body, so its not like if I take it out for a few hours, they are going to suddenly disappear. But I had a baby after missing ONE PILL. I'll keep mine in thanks. Its like a small pinch that only lasts for a second. But still. Its weird.

Youre either dry as a desert or wet as a rain forrest. And it always seems to be when you dont need it. Like, 2 nights ago, the first condom broke because I was so dry. We actually had to use lube. Ive never had to use lube in my life. But earlier that day, grocery shopping, it was like a fucking monsoon. I may call my doctor about this side effect actually.

The worst side effect, but far, is the fact that sometimes, it comes out during sex. I dont embarrass easily, but the first time it happened, I was mortified. It looks like a small clear bracelet. Like the ones madonna wore in the 80s. He picked it up from the bed and held it up-he clearly had no idea what it was. "You....dropped this?" Luckily, I was with someone I had been with for a long time, so we were able to laugh it off when I explained it was birth control. And it doesnt always happen. I could deal with it always happening-I probably would take it out during sex. Or it never happening. That would be great. But the constant wondering IF it will happen, is irritating.

So...TMI? :)

WELCOME!!!

My new readers! Joelle and Verity. Im insane, i will fully admit that. But I hope you enjoy reading about it :)

Xo,
Mary

Hello darkness my old friend...

I would say my wardrobe is 80% black. Other colors? Red, White, Blue(in the way of jeans) and hot pink. Oh, and sports apparel. This is ridiculous. I look REALLY good in lime green, but I havent sported it since, like, 6th grade. How did this happen?

This thought, last night, prompted me to order some clothing. Okay, a lot of clothing. 294 dollars worth of clothing. Hmmm...I promised myself that I wasnt going to go nuts until I absolutely couldnt wear the clothing I have now. I live in jeans. But currently, I have exactly TWO pairs that fit. I had to get rid of about 12 pairs because they were all huge. So much so that no belt could save them. I look at my shirts and I hate most of them. I need longer clothing.

So, I got all excited because I can fit into victoria secret clothing. I have been a faithful VS bra buyer since I was 18. 294 dollars later, I should be recieving a shipment of 11 shirts, 1 dress, 1 skirt and 2 sweaters in about 10 days. I need to get rid of Id say about half of my closet. Everything is so big. Cute, and hard to part with, but too big. I hold on to things and say "I can get that tailored. I can get it taken it" But i dont. And I know I wont. Maybe I'll get myself an ebay account and sell some of this stuff. A lot of it has been tried on, but never worn out. And I have a fur coat (From a theme party I threw a couple years ago) taking up space. And shoes! I have a ridiculous amount of shoes. I have learned about myself that I absolutely cant walk in anything over 3 1/2 inch heels. So I have about 16 pairs of shoes that are taking up space and arent being worn.

While I love the convenience and selection of buying things online...once I get them, if they dont fit or I dont like them, I wont return it. And everything looks better on the model.

I probably should have purchased some more pants. I need more pants. Off to find more pants...


I missed you guys :)

Xo,
M

Melting Point.

Ive lost readers. A bunch of readers! Not that I can blame you. Ive been gone for quite some time. Gone and gaining. Sadly. I dont know what happened this summer. My daughter being out of school and me taking on more hours at work maybe. Im sitting at about 221 right now and have been for quite sometime. And it sucks. I have zero motivation and zero willpower when it comes to food. I have fallen back into "Ill start over tomorrow" And tomorrow never comes. *Sigh* Maybe I am just doomed to be fat.

However. I am changing the format of my blog. While, yes, I will still be talking about my battles with weight, Im also going to be chronicling my everyday life. Hopefully that will help me stop bottling things up, which ultimately makes me fall off the wagon.

I hope you are all doing wonderfully and enjoying your summer :)

Xo,
M

Void.

Work is both a breeze and mentally taxing. Its made me more nuturing, and at the same time, vicious. I take care of my grandmother. She is 102 and needs constant care. I love her. A lot. But, its getting harder and harder to remember that she isnt doing things to piss me off. Her body is failing her. For almost 100 years she was able to get around on her own, fix her own meals, bathe alone, use the bathroom. And now, she cant do any of these things. Im frustrated when Im changing her and she HAS to sit down. Before I can wipe her. Which means I have to change the sheets for the second time today. When she yells out for me (usually "Okay!") which is my cue to run upstairs to see if she needs something, my parents and I joke about it. I feel absolutely awful. She is my grandmother. She has never been anything but loving towards us. She has never told me she loves me(shes old school) but showed it in every single thing that she did for us kids growing up. And I am repaying her back that kindness by rolling my eyes when she cant boost herself up from the chair or giggling when she yells for me? What kind of person does that? I am ashamed and disgusted (and crying) as I write this. She cant see and can barely hear, so every activity she used to do(knitting, reading, watching tv, crossword puzzles, cooking,etc) are out of the question. Most days, she just lies in bed, when shes not up to eat. I often wonder how she fills her days. What she thinks about. How she feels. I guess its just as hard to watch her grow older as it is for her to be experiencing it. I will be better to her because she deserves it.

So its hard to be encouraging when inside I feel like such a poor excuse for a human being. I love all my warriors, deep in your own trenches of the weight loss battle. And silently, I pray for you all to find the things you need to help you win this war.

There is a void where my mouth used to be.

Xo,
M

*Deep Breath* Okay. I think I got it.

I may not have found myself, but I found my voice and my confidence.

I ended things with Corey this weekend. For good. Usually, when I have said this in the past, it was coupled with a lot of crying and moping and pining for him. I never knew closure could feel so amazing. Dare I say, Im excited he wont be in my life anymore. I have wasted 8 long years on this guy. And sadly, he is still the terribly immature 16 year old boy I met all those years ago. We exhanged some very harsh words. Mine were of truth. He has a drug habit, which makes me nervous. I told him he has a problem and he needs to get help.

He in turn, raged, full force. He called me a bad mother, a slut and told me that his ex girlfriend(my ex-friend) was right about me, I am just a psycho.

I laughed. I cant believe it. I actually laughed. I laughed because for the first time ever, I wasnt upset with him. Mad nor sad. I felt bad for him. Bad that he couldnt step back and see that I was saying these things out of worry. Bad that he felt like he needed to say those things to me. And bad that all my hoping that deep down he really was an amazing guy, was wrong.

I basically told him there was a reason that all of his friends had become my friends and no one wanted to see him anymore. He was an asshole. He never thinks anything he does is wrong. The people he hangs out with now are druggies. He has exactly two friends left from high school and I know for a fact that one of them is fed up with him.

I wished him nothing but the best and let him know that this would be the last time I spoke to him. I erased his number out of my phone and deleted him from my facebook. Strangely enough, its almost a "no love lost" situation. If I saw him on the street, I feel like I would be very indifferent toward him. I have nothing left to say and no left over feelings.

I feel amazing.

I am 2 weeks away from being exactly 1/2 a year into this weight loss journey, and I am 4 pounds away from being halfway at my goal weight. Its an amazing feeling. To know that I am strong enough to dedicate myself to something and have it pay off is huge.

My brother has lost 6 pounds and my dad is down 8.

Overall, my life is pretty awesome right now.

Except.

Kylie has been sick with pneumonia, which has made her going to school impossible. So Ive been toting her to work. That god that my mom helped me out a lot last week. Thankfully, her meds have made her just well enough to go to school today and tomorrow-her last two days. She has a birthday party to go to which I believe her Auntie Stina will be taking her to(my Bff. Im super lucky!)



I have missed you all. Hope the days have been treating you well!
Xo,
Mary

Milk Carton.

I am lost.

Somewhere in all the chaos that is my life, I went missing. I am actively searching, but have yet to turn up.

I'll see you all when I find myself again.

Xo,
M

...Like Forrest Gump?

Tonights walk consisted of me, my brother, my dad and our doggy, Dakota. My dad is actually walking with me more then my brother is. If you look back at the road trip pictures, my dad isnt a big guy. He is 6'1, 208 pounds. But, he'd like to be in better shape and shave off some of his belly. So he has decided to walk with me too. He said tonight, as we were walking "You're like Forrest Gump..." I look at him, a little lost at what that is supposed to mean. "Youre gonna have to explain that." "You started walking one day. You've amassed me and your brother, sometimes Christina(my BFF) Soon you'll have a hoard of people following you."

I made a joke about being surprised that he didnt say I was slightly mentally ill and a single parent, which we all giggled at. But inside, it made me feel really good. My dad has been a huge cheerleader for me when its come to my weight loss; he notices and tells me I look great when I lose weight. To think that I am an inspiration to anyone is weird. To think that I am an inspiration to my family is weird x100.

Foodwise, I havent been super great this week. But Ive been walking and drinking up a storm(water wise) Im hoping to see a drop on the scale...I forgot to weigh myself on Monday(I was all mixed up cuz of the weekend) And weighed myself tuesday. I gained 4 pounds?!? I honestly think my parents scale is broken. No way did I gain 4.


WELCOME!!!!!!!!!!

To my fantastic new readers: Then I Got Fat and LDSwims.

Enjoy darlings. Welcome aboard!!

Owie.

I walked 10 miles yesterday and I am paying for it today. I forgot to weigh in on Monday, so Ill weigh in next week. I. Am. Exhausted.

I know...quite the exciting post.

My Little Bigger Brother.

This picture was taken August 22nd, 2009. My birthday last year. This is me, my sister(1 year older then myself) and my baby brother (4 years younger)

This is John on a good day. His hair is fairly short and his crazy facial hair isnt too crazy. Lol. Watching this season of Biggest Loser...my brother reminded me so much of Daris. Hiding behind the hair, entertaining everyone, but ultimately going home alone. My brother has never had a girl friend either. He didnt go to his prom. He has never even been out on a date. John, like myself, has been chubby since the age of about 10. In high school, his 280 pound frame got him a place on his football team as defensive tackle. He quit his sophomore year after he tackled a kid and sent him to the hospital.

John is a pretty quiet guy. I wouldnt say shy, but introspective might be a better word. We've had conversations about his future. He is graduating college soon with a degree in video game design(the thing he has wanted to do all his life) and he says he would like to have 3 kids. It breaks my heart that no one thus far has seen my brother for the beautiful person that he is.

So fuck it. Im dragging him along for my weight loss journey. Last night, I told John he should come with me on my walk. We had talked about it a few times before last night, and he said that once he was out of school for the summer(last final was on friday) he would. He shrugged and put his shoes on. We walked outside and it started to drizzle.

"Its raining" he said, looking at the sky.

"Its not raining. Its misty from the fog"

"Its going to rain" he pointed at the sky.

"Maybe" I shrugged and kept walking. He shrugged to and followed.

About 2 miles in, his left shin was really bothering him. He decided to come on this walk in jeans and skate shoes. I said "Its probably because of your shoes. Go to foot locker tomorrow and get running shoes"

He stuck it out with me then entire four miles. Not only that, but we finished in a little over an hour, which is a good time for me, let alone my brother who has never done the walk before. As I drove him home, I told him again, to go get better shoes.

"So you do that walk every day?"

"Yep. Every day. Well, 6 days a week. You should start slow though. Rest tomorrow and then walk with me again on thursday."

"Maybe tomorrow I will do crunches. Focus on a different part of my body the days I dont walk with you."

That was music to my ears. My brother wants to do this. Im not dragging him into anything. He wants this as much as I want this for him. Yay. :)

Now...I just have to get him to eat better...

Xo,
M

Social Lubrication.

So, I had a middle school reunion today, which in itself was awesome. A bunch of us brought blankets, snack, beers and smiles and we hung out at a park not too far from our Alma Mater for about 5 hours.

I brought a 12 pack of corona. I had talked to my middle schooll bff, Elle, and told her I'd spring for the booze and we could split it. When she arrived, she had also purchased a 6 pack. More people came, and I offered drinks to everyone. Some partook, some brought their own. At the end of the day, I had consumed 5 beers. And a shot of whiskey (thanks Tomylee...)

Its Saturday night. I had made plans with my best friend Christina to hang out tonight and I just cant do it. I feel awful. Tonight is really the only night I have to hang out late, seeing as I dont have work tomorrow. I am laying in bed, regretting the decision to day drink.

And the more I think about it(and watch the biggest loser) the more I wonder why I drink at all. I mean, even when I dont drink, my personality is huge. Im bubbly, charismatic and hilarious (if I do say so myself) anyway. Why do I need to lower my inhibitions? Do I even have inhibitions?!

I was talking to Diz, (my P.I.C.) and was telling her that I really would like to try and not drink the entire month of June. Of course she gave me a cyber high five. I also told my mom. I thought she was going to cry. She said thats probably the best news Ive given her in quite some time. I really would like to not drink. Its weird because almost all my weekend events involve drinking. Im at home because I cant stand the thought of being around alcohol right now and everyone I know is out drinking, whether at someones house or at a bar. I dont mind staying home, im excited to catch up on sleep. But will my social life suffer because I choose to be sober?

Obviously, Ill keep you guys posted on my trials and tribulations. I just want to be okay with the person I am. If not drinking is who I am, great. If I stop and realize that its just a art of who I am, so be it. But nothing ventured, nothing gained right?


WELCOME!!!

In Case You Were Wondering!!!

Thanks for following sweetie. I hope you find my blog inspirational. Or thought provoking. Or at the very least, comical :)

Outer appearances can be deceiving...

This is one of my best friends, Bub. He got married this weekend to his high school sweetheart. I kept being told how amazing I looked, which was nice. I had my hair done, my nails done, was in a fabulous dress. And inside, I felt like shit. My self confidence is totally faked. A lot. And unfortunately, to overcompensate for just how terrible I felt, I drank far too much. I had had 3 pork sausages for breakfast and a salad. And that was it. I remember bits and pieces after dinner, which is terrible. I am so incredibly embarrassed that I let myself get that out of control. especially at my best friends wedding. We spoke about it yesterday, and he said that I wasnt out of control or anything, and still conducted myself well. Its still heartbreaking that there are huge chunks of his wedding I cant remember.

I honestly dont know why I am so unhappy right now. There have been times in the past when I have fallen into a depression. It lingers for a while and then lifts. I am hoping this one is a short one. Im having a hard time believing that anyone else loves me because I cant love myself.

Weight wise, Im still doing okay. I lost 1.5 lbs this week. I tried to stay on track, and I did. But I think that Saturdays liquid diet, as well as Sundays fiesta( we had Mimosas and BBQ while the newly weds opened gifts) did me in. But I am very close to being at my lowest in 6 years-219. Im going to try and keep my head up and push through this.

To my newest readers: LauraLynne and Bringing Pretty Back; thanks for following girls! I hope you enjoy me! Lol. Welcome welcome!!!

Kicked In The Trash

Lol, I stole the expression from Diz. Its adorable. And it accurately describes what I have done, to myself, the last week.

Anyway, weigh in this morning.

And wouldnt you know it. Recommitting myself to myself has TOTALLY paid off. 6 pounds! And not only did I drop 6 pounds this week, the 6 pounds brings my total to 30 pounds overall.

I have lost 30 freaking pounds!?! Thats incredible. Going into this, I really did want to lose the weight, but I honestly didnt expect to get this far. Hell, I didnt expect to get past 10 pounds. But I have. And it feels amazing. Im about a 1/3 of the way there, seeing as my goal is 80 pounds. But this is a fantastic start!

As a reward, I am getting my hair done on wednesday, as well as a mani/pedi. Well...I already had plans to get my hair done, but now I can say its a reward and justify spending the 140 dollars. Lol.

I guess its almost time to post new progress pictures, which I probably will, at the end of the month.

I wouldnt be here without you guys. My rocks. My pillars of wisdom and guidance. Thanks y'all!

Xo,
M

What I Am Working For?

So, walking tonight I have an epiphany. Not a good one either.

Im losing weight for health reasons(obviously) but also for my own vanity and social reasons. But the thought dawned on me...what if my fat was not the reason I havent been in a relationship in years. What if I drop all this weight and realize that Im just not someone men want to date? Its a scary prospect. I always thought that my "guy habits" (liking sports, drinking beer, being easy going, etc) were pluses in a mans eyes. But what if Im wrong. Do guys want to date girl versions of themselves? I mean, I can put on lipstick and a miniskirt, but underneath that, my personality stays the same. Are friendship and sex really the only thing I have to offer members of the opposite sex? Its a daunting question, one that I hope to have answered soon.

I walked every single day this week, except for Saturday. When I played kickball. I stayed within my points every day...even if I didnt always make the greatest food decisions. I made a real effort to get back on track with this. I am hoping it is reflected into tomorrows weigh in.

Happy Mommas Day to all my moms out there!

Xo!
M

Recommittment. Part Deux.

Both good and bad. I have walked every day this week. On tuesday, I walked an extra two miles. My feet are killing me. Which lets me know that, sadly, its time to buy new shoes. The tread on the shoes are almost completely gone. I was reading about the best walking shoes-and Brooks Ariel Motion Control are it for overweight women. I bought shape ups and they just arent what I want. They arent made for long distance walking. Anyone wanna buy a pair of tried-on-but-never-worn 8.5 shape ups?

Besides the walking, I am trying to make better choices when it comes to food. While I did have a burrito for dinner tonight, I have been focusing a lot more on veggies, soup and ww frozen meals. Mostly because I am still not doing well counting points. Easier when the point value is starring me in the face. Although, I am totally indulging on the Lucerine Strawberry Sunday cups. 3 points. Mmmmm...ice cream.

My water intake is still terrible. Some days are better then others...but some days I can go a whole day and only drink 8 ounces. *sigh* Something I have to keep striving for.

Im keeping my fingers crosses for a drop on the scale. I think a drop, more then a few ounces, will really help motivate me again.


Welcome welcome welcome to my newest reader!!

Rachel Rodney!!!

Buckle up...weight loss it quite the bumpy ride darling!

Xo,
Mary

BYOC. All of em.

Yeah, so, Ive never done one of Drazils BYOCs. So I figured I would do all of them in one chunky post.

1. What’s your favorite smell?

All my favorite smells are weird, as well as they are all attached to something from my childhood. Chlorine and Gasoline are way up there. As well as Orange Blossom oil and Gardenias.

2. What is your all-time favorite movie and why?

Thats so hard. Im terrible at picking favorite anythings. Shaun of the Dead. It combines my love for zombies and comedy together. That or The Goonies. Ooh, Count of Monte Cristo is an amazing movie. Oh boy. See what I mean? I could go back and forth for quite some time.

3. What’s your trigger food?

By Trigger Im assuming the one food I just cant eat a rational portion of? Chicken Tacos. Ive said it before and Ill say it again. Never going to limit myself. I easily put down between 10-15 in a sitting.

4. When someone you love is going through a difficult time – what are your go-to words to make them feel better – in just a sentence or two?

God never gives us more then we can handle at one time.


1. Name a career you would NOT want to do and tell why.

I worked for TSA at the airport for a while. I had to quit. When the thought that I could be responsible for letting the next 9/11 happen, by missing something on an xray or pat down...it was too much. I cant handle that kind of responsibility.

2. What’s the best present you ever received for your birthday?

My first digital camera. Hands down. Thousands of pictures and three cameras later, im still in love with photography.

3. What do you hide behind?

Sex. Its easier for me to sleep with someone, then for me to be vulnerable and date someone.

4. Where were you born?
San Francisco

1. If you ever won the lottery – what’s the very first thing you’d do?

Pay off my parents morgage.

2. What is your favorite curse word?

FUCK.

3. What is your favorite holiday and why?

4th of July. When I was a kid, without fail, we spent our 4th of Julys at my grandmothers house in Madera(central california for those of you wondering) We'd spend all day in the pool, have an amazing dinner and then once nightfall hit, us kids would run up and down the sidewalk with sparklers, while the adults lit fireworks off in the street. There usually wasnt a house on the block that wasnt full of kids tearing around. Around 9 there would be a huge firework show going on at the fairgrounds, which you could see from the front lawn. I only hope that my daughters holiday memories are as full of happiness and love as mine are.

4. What turns you on?

Roughnecks!! Give me a hard working labor man. Rough hands. Big arms. The smell of a hard days work on a man. Its sexy. That, and being bit. TMI? Lol.

1. If you could have lunch with a famous person who would it be and what would you order?

Oh man. Thats so hard!! Id really love to get Simon Pegg and Ed Frost together. They are hilarious. Or Kevin Smith and Jason Mewes. Adam Sandler and Judd Apatow. I love comedy duos! But right this second, Lindsay Lohan. She just strikes me as someone who really needs a friend right now.

2. Where’s the furthest place you’ve traveled to?

Puerto Vallerta. For spring break a couple years ago. SO fun.

3. If you could describe yourself in 4 words – what would they be?

Sassy, Creative, Affectionate, Hilarious.

4. What’s one interesting thing about you we don’t know?

I plan myself incredibly elaborate birthday parties. Past themes: 80's, Prom, Mardi Gras, Mafia Wedding, Scavenger Hunt. I need to stop because I keep trying to top myself. I was thinking of renting a boat this year to have a pirate themed party. I, in no way, can afford to rent a boat.

1. If you could be a Superhero (like Gilly) - what would you be called or what would your powers be?

My ex told me if I were a superhero, I would be Miss Marvel. I asked why. He said "Shes hot, strong as hell and enjoys drinking" 'Nuff said.

2. Name one physical thing you love about you and one mental thing you love about you.

Physically, I love my lips. They are full. The kind of lips that people pay for injections for. Mentally, I like that I have the ability to look at a situation and try to see how I can make it better.

3. If you stood in front of God (or whatever Supreme Being you may believe in) - what question would you ask him?

Id ask him how his day was.

4. Besides yourself - who was/is your biggest enabler in your weight loss journey?

Maybe not my biggest enabler, but my biggest hypocrite was my grandmother on my dads side. We ate the WORST possible foods at her house. Then, when I was in 5th grade, she gave me a book called "What ever happened to fat glenda?" About a girl who is overweight and how hard it is for her to eat right and fit in with her classmates. I cried when she gave me that book. And she has never stopped. She is 102(yeah, I know. Super old.) and she still tries to get us to eat KFC, and yet has no problem telling my brother"Ill give 100 dollars if you lose 20 pounds"

5. What do you do for a living (another reader request question)?

I take care of said 102 year old grandmother part time. Shes practically bedridden, so its quite the task sometimes. I also teach kindergarten art at my daughters school.

1. If you could change your first name - what would it be?

Well, for the longest time, I would have said Kylie. But I named may daughter that. So I would probably go with either Charlene or Charlotte. But everyone would call me Charlie

2. Why are man hole covers round?

Holes suggest to me round. Like a donut hole. Round.

3. What's one of your biggest pet peeves?

People who cant drive. I will find you and kill you.!!!

4. If you could be a car - what would it be? Post a pic if you can.

I will always pine for the T Top Mustang my dad had when I was a kid. I thought it was the dopest car ever!

1. If you could be a weather forecast, what would you be and why?

80, not clouds, slight western breeze. Perfect weather.

2. If you could be a crayon, what color would you be and why?

Cerulean. Gorgeous blue

3. What is/was your biggest physical goal you want to do when you hit your goal weight?

Id love to get a tattoo on my hip bone. When you can see my hip bone. Id also like to get into a bathing suit, doesnt even need to be a 2 piece, and not feel embarassed.

4. If you could be any animal, what would it be and why?

Raccoon. Not only are they feisty little warriors and adorable, but they dont leave a fallen coon behind. I was driving home one night and I saw a raccoon had been hit by a car. It was laying in the middle of the street, trying to crawl to the sidewalk, with the help of two other raccoons. I shit you not, each of the other raccoons had an arm in their paws and was trying to pull him to the side of the road. I grabbed a box from the market across the street and brought the raccoon to the emergency vet not too far away. When I called a couple days later to see if the raccoon had made it, the vet told me that there were constantly two other raccoons outside the facility, one had even ventured in. Thats brotherhood right there.

Alright. So there we go. Ive brought my own crazy :)

Recommitment.

So, I stayed the same weight ALL of April, and then gained a pound and a half this week. I need a serious commitment from myself. Im fallin off the wagon again and letting my eating habits get back again. I had Jack In The Box on Friday. I havent eaten fast food in months and I had some drinks with friends(also, another reason I gained this week!) and mindlessly, ate some of Kevins curly fries. I could have kicked myself.

I havent been counting points what-so-ever. This past week I had tacos, steak and backed potato, curly fries, gnocchi with pesto sauce and TONS of cheese, sushi and cheescake.

I am 5 months into this and Ive only lost 25 pounds. I had stellar months in January and February and Im starting to lose steam and let the fat girl inside me take over.

Well screw that and screw her too.

In May I Will:

1. Make the effort to count my points. I believe I have moved down from 30 points a day to 28.

2. In counting those points, I will make better food choices. Just because I have the 14 points to spend on the cheescake, doesnt mean I should.

3. Walk at least 5 times a week. There are days I just wont be able to fit it into my schedule, and I understand that. But Glee shouldnt take top billing over my weight loss goals. Even though Glee is fantasic.

4. Take my goals more seriously. When I eat badly, I always say "Tomorrow is a new day" I dont want to continue to fall back on that. I will take responsibility for my actions and change them then and there. Not tomorrow or next week.

5. Stop eating out of boredom or emotion!!!!!!

6. Step up my water intake. Like, a lot.

Xo!
Mary

Mirage.

"Love, at times, can be a mirage. But to pass up an oasis for fear of being let down means you'll never escape the desert."

My sister is pretty inspiring.

I was thinking about my weight today. Shock, right? I have the wedding coming up. And I have been diligent(as hell) about walking this week. Id like to drop a few more pounds. Obviously, there is a guy to impress. I always set my bar FAR too high. Wedding is the 15th. Id like to weight 10 pounds less. The walking still hurts-my uterus is very angry with me. As it should be. And I know loves, I really should be heeding your advice and resting. I know I should. Rationally, I am an idiot. Who puts vanity in front of health? 10 pounds in 2 weeks is a mirage. Its not realistic. And instead of saying "Okay, I need to slow down and just give my body some time." I am pushing it. For the sake of looking better in a dress.

I also am having some issues when it come to looking at myself. When I look at myself in the mirror, i dont think what I am looking at is that big. Way better then before, obviously. But I see myself in pictures and I cringe. When I walked out of the house, I thought I looked amazing. Thats what I truly looked like? Gross!! How could my eyes be deceiving me so badly!?!

Although, I did get quite the ego boost today. I got the dress in the mail today. Huge. I mean, I was swimming in the thing. I called up the "offical seamstress" for the wedding party and went in to see her. She shook her head.

"Why did you buy this?"

I was confused. I like the dress!

"Its huge on you. You cant possibly think this would fit"

"No. I figured it would be a size too big, but not this bad"

"What size?"

"This is a 22"

She quickly begins to pull at the dress, pinning it into place where she will be taking it in. She clucked her tongue against the roof of her mouth and shakes her head again. "You needed 18 at the most. Youre between a 18 and a 16"

16? I havent been a 16 in 6 years. And even then, it was a fleeting 16 on my way up from 12 to a 22. The last time I was a solid 16 was when I was a sophomore in high school. Yeeesh.

I look at myself in the mirror. There are huge flaps of cloth on either side of my body. I wish I would have taken a picture. That was a hell of a progress picture. To see exactly how far I have come down. It was pretty cool. But in the same breath, the flap of belly fat I have made me frown.

Im going to take a rest tonight from walking. Promise. :)

X's and O's bbs!

Mary

All wrong.

My memory is TERRIBLE. So, Im supposed to be taking antibiotics(oops...) not exercising(I always remember about 3 miles in...) or lifting anything heavy (My father and I lifted my grandmother+wheelchair down 4 flights of stairs. And then back up them)Im also not supposed to be taking baths (my favorite indulgence...which I remembered 6 minutes into its steamy bubbly watery perfection...) Also, I think I was supposed to start my new birth control(for the second time...) on sunday. Oh well, not like Im gonna be bumping uglies with anyone anytime soon.

The walking is making me feel like my uterus is falling out. I have loaded myself up with those sticky backed heating pads and motrin and gotten out of the house. When Im inside, I feel very mopey, tired and my compulsion to eat is off the charts. When Im outside walking, I convince myself I am going to eat nothing but veggies, have a big loss this weigh in and that god never gives me more then I can handle. Im sticking with the last two.

I ordered this dress in black, for an upcoming wedding. In a 22.

IN A 22?!?!

I guess it was a reflex? Instinct? After I purchased it I was like "You arent a 22 anymore!!" I contacted DB and told them I needed a different size. They only had 10,12, 22,24,26. Crap. So, hopefully, Im not as thin as I pretend to be? :) Or maybe the dress will run, like, 2 sizes to small. Most likely, its gonna need some alteration. Since the dress is fairly plain, Im thinking sexy shoes, a bold jewelry statement(either necklace or earrings, not both) and hot hair. Suggestions? Especially the hair. Im considering getting it done professionally. Doing it myself stresses me out TO NO END!

I own these. Im pretty sure these are the shoes Im wearing.



Sexy. And incredibly comfy. All night. Including dancing. So Im looking at silver jewelry I think...

Today is Baby Daddys birthday. Im cooking tacos. Mmmm...the fat girl in me is super happy.

X's and O's my loves,
Mary

The time has come...

I couldnt bare to say it to his face. But I couldnt keep it in. So I took the chicken shit route and texted him. I cant believe I did that. Im a stronger person then that.

"So...while you were in Salt Lake City, I was at Kaiser for 6 hours, miscarrying/terminating our child. Didnt want to ruin your vacation. This is kind of a fucked up text..."

He called me immediately.

"So. What?"

I explained to him what happened. I could tell that his usual "What am I supposed to say" silence had been replaced with him actually trying to find the right words.

"Im sorry. But Im glad you told me. Is there anything I can do?"

Well, color me shocked.

We got deeper into the conversation and I told him the main reasons why I knew that we couldnt have a kid.

"If we had a boy, Id hate for him to grow up, seeing our dynamic, and think that treating women, the way you treat me is okay. If we had a little girl, there is no way in hell I would want to her to accept the kind of treatment from her man that I get from you"

"You dont think I treat you well?" I think I actually struck a chord.

"Corey, lets be honest. Our dynamic is completely fucked. Its both of our faults. I let you get away with treating me terribly."

"You dont think I would change that if we had children?"

"Would you?" I kind of winced at this question. It was a big one.

"I didnt know you didnt like the way I treat you now."

I sigh. We both kind of steered the conversation to lighter topics. He made jokes and made me laugh. I told him that things were going to be okay. But I dont know if thats true. I used to make it my mission in life to make sure that things were okay between me and him. I love him, completely. But more often then not lately, I believe that love is a mirage. A vision somewhere in the distance of how amazing it could be. Time and experience has made me jaded. I love him, honestly, I do. I always will. I cant imagine my life without him and yet sometimes, I think I would be better off without him. I used to think he was my book. And the book was going to have a happy ending. Maybe all this time, he has just been a chapter.

I lost an ounce. It made me cry, because I knew what that ounce was. It wasnt me eating well or exercising. It was a piece of me that was taken away. That I opted to be taken away. This loss truely is a loss.

"Happy birthday, I love you, whoever you woulda been" Happy Birthday by Flipsyde.

Your thoughts, hugs, kind words and prayers...I cant thank you guys enough. This has truly been one of the hardest times of my life. Thank you all for letting me be so honest about this and listening and really being there for me. You guys have been my security blanket...youre all very warm and cuddly :) I love you guys and will for ever and ever.

XoXo,

Mary

Untitled.

First off.

Erika, Kerri, Drazil, Jenn,Rheina, Keri,KatieJ and Lola I cant tell you how much you support meant to me. I cant express my gratitude. Seriously, thank you guys for being my online family. I love you guys.

I went into the doctor on friday, suddenly, because I started bleeding and cramping. I was afraid I was miscarrying. They took me in immediately and bombarded me with tests. Blood tests, urine tests, ultrasound, sonogram. I was literally at the doctors for 6 hours on friday. At two o'clock, I was sitting in the doctors office and her biggest concern was that I was pregnant, but the pregnancy was not located in my uterus. Which, she explained, meant that it could continue to grow and possibly burst, making me extremely ill or possibly worse...

I already have a weakened immune system because of my lupis, so they didnt want to take any chances. She explained to me that they were going to extract fluid from my uterus to test and they would be able to test and find out where my pregnancy was. After 10 very painful minutes of extraction, they rushed the fluid down to the lab and she told me to relax. That in 30 minutes they would know exactly what is going on in my body.

In the mean time, I went down to the lab. There was a chance that I was going to need a shot and the injection room closed at 4:00. It was 3:40. I sat in one of the vinyl chairs, worried about the possibility of having to go into surgery.

3:44. My cell phone rings.

Doc. "Great news! The pregnancy was in your uterus!"

Me. "Okay. So what does this mean? What now?"

Doc. "Nothing, youre all done. We ordered you some antibiotics, they should be at the pharmacy"

Me. "Okay, so now I just go through my "termination" appointments as scheduled?"

Doc pauses. "Oh honey. I thought you understood. The procedure you had done today was the termination"

Me. Shocked. "I thought you were extracting fluid?"

Doc. "We extracted the fluid and tissues that were showing up on your sonogram. If you hadnt been pregnant in your uterus, you would still be pregnant and we would have to be searching for where you were carrying the fetus. But you were pregnant where you were supposed to be. But the pregnancy was effectively terminated with the extraction."

I thanked her for being an awesome doctor(she really was) and hung up the phone and immediately started crying. This is what I was going to do all along. But having it done and not knowing that it was done? Emotional suicide. I sat in my car, after picking up my prescription, and starred blankly at the other cars in the garage. How can a decision that I know is right feel so utterly wrong?

Im going back and forth, trying to figure out if I should tell the dad. He is on vacation right now and gets back on monday. Emotionally, I want to tell him. I want him to hold me while I cry and tell me he is sorry he wasnt there for me when it happened. Rationally, I know that the possibly of that happening is pretty fucking slim.

Love you ladies. Hope everyone is enjoying their weekend and doing well.

Xo,
Mary

Ps. Diet wise...ive been pretty bad. Emotional eating is rearing its ugly head. Ive tried to curtail it. Will be weighing in on Monday. And we'll go from there.

Warning: Some People May Find This Post Offensive.

Seriously. That was not a cute title. Some people will find the subject matter and my opinions on the subject offensive. The following post will have to do with a very serious subject matter. Please take my warning into consideration before continuing.

And please know that it isnt my intention to offend anyone. But this is my blog and these are my feelings.

-Thanks










I probably wont be weighing myself for at least the next month or so.

And here's why




This is not a good thing. Not a time for congratulations and hopes for the future. This is a disaster. The no-good ex I have been talking about? Yeah, old habits die hard I suppose. I switched my birth control from the pill to the ring...and long story short, i misread the directions. I found out I was pregnant on wednesday. About 4 weeks along. I can not have a child with this man. I am not financially able to. He is not financially able, nor mature enough to have a child. He treats me terribly. I dont want to bring up a child in the kind of environment. Besides the want to have another child, nothing in my life is ready for another child. I am living paycheck to paycheck as it is and I need to think about the child I already have. I called my doctor today to make an appointment for an abortion. Emotionally, I really dont want to do this. But I know that rationally, it is the best decision for me right now.

This news, as well as this decision has been eating away at me. I guess Im also having a hard time because Im doing it alone. I havent told the dad that Im pregnant and Im not going to. I know the first words out of his mouth will either be "What are you going to do about it" or "Im not ready to be a dad". Im crushed as it is and hearing his concern for his own life and how it might change would be a low blow. Besides my mom and my best friend, I havent told anyone else. Honestly besides being upset about it, Im also embarrassed. Embarrassed that at 27 years old, I would be so irresponsible.

I wrote it here because this is my life. The good, the bad and the ugly. And while I SO enjoy you guys reading and supporting me through my weight loss journeys, its also an outlet for me to write about my feelings about my life. And this is my life at its hardest.

Xo,
Mary

Fat Girls and See-Saws

You ever see-saw as a chubby kid, with our non-chubby counter part? Mine was my teeny tiny sister. For fat people, there are no see saws. Only catapults.

Me current see saw isnt one I can sit on. It the choice I make. Because I make one good, and one bad.

Today, I chose to walk 5 miles and eat sensibly. See saw goes up

However, I am letting my ex treat me terribly. Again. See saw goes down.

16 minutes have gone by and I cant bring myself to write the in depth, insightful post I was hoping for.

How do you let someone go when you truly believe you are meant to be with them?

As a side note, I realized that this weeks weigh in put me at 25.5 pounds. I hit the 25 pound mark!!! I still hope to reach the teens by the end of April. Which means I have to lose 5 pounds both next week and the week after...

Xo,
Mary

Back.

It was one hell of a weekend!

Friday was Vegas. Packed up. Boarded my plane. Touched down and hopped on the back of dads harley for the short trip to the Hard Rock, where we were staying. Awesome view.



We didnt have too much time before ACDC started, so we decided to head over to the MGM and grab some dinner. My dad let me pick where we ate, because he knows and supports me on WW. I see a chinese/japanese restaurant and we get seated. We both order and I was pretty good. I got a steak salad with asian veggies and thai chili dressing, a crunchy california roll and we split an order of potstickers. Everything was amazing. We headed over to the amphitheater and thoroughly enjoyed the concert. I mean, these guys are in their 70s and still ROCK THE SHIT out of that stage. This was my 3rd tour/4th concert Ive seen them at and they put on an amazing live show.

So, after the concert let out, we headed over to a 24 hour tattoo place. I got this.



Its the same quote my dad has on his arm. My dad and I havent always had the best relationship. But its getting better and we're both trying. I wanted him to know how important he is to me. Figured I do it with a tattoo :)

Head back to the Hard Rock around 1:30 am and get into bed, trying to get some rest for tomorrows ride.


We hit the ground running at 8 am Saturday morning. Three hours later we find ourself here, in Death Valley.



The road we were supposed to take is under heavy construction, so we decide to take a different road...which gets us fairly lost. We end up in Bishop, California. Grab a hotel room for the night and walk across the street to-another japanese restaurant. Lol. I ate terrible at lunch(BLT, Fries and 3 onion rings...) so I was much better at dinner. Only 8 points for the sushi I ordered. We were both exhausted, so we fell asleep by 8 o'clock.

6:30 am. I dont remember the last time I was up this early. Dads been watching the news and says we need to leave ASAP because a storm is moving in.

Great. I put on everything I own(which included my boxers and tank top I brought as pjs) and we head out. Its freezing.


Once we cross the sierras and get into the central valley, its not too bad. It warms up a bit and we are making fairly good time. We stop for lunch(fish and chips...man I make bad vacation food decisions!!) and call my mom. Who tells us its storming at home. Ugh. Not the greatest news we've been hit with...

We hit 152 and it is pouring. Buckets. The wind is 50+ mph. Im scared. Really scared. And soaking wet. I was wearing jeans, thermal underwear and boxers, as well as boots that hit me at the knee. They were drenched after 3 minutes in the down pour. There is a puddle in both of my boots. My rain jacket gives up about 20 minutes into the ride and I can feel water immediately soak my sweatshirt, thermal top and tank top. Right down to my bra. Im freezing. Im shaking so bad I though I was going to fall off the bike. We finally hit Gilroy, the biggest town in 40 miles or so and get a room at a shit motel. I have literally, no clothing to change into. I wore everything I brough with me. My hands are shaking so bad I couldnt take m helmet off. We blast the heater and my dad tells me to take a hot shower and he will take our wet clothes(He had a dry tank top and swim shorts in our pack) to the dryer. I turn on the shower. Cold. I run it for 10 minutes. Still cold. I was on the verge of tears.

I whip out my phone and log onto hotels.com. There is no freaking way we are staying here. I am just about to book a 180 dollar room at the ritziest place I can find when my dad gets off his phone. "Your mom is on her way with dry clothes. She is going to take you home." (Gilroy is about an hour away from home)

"I dont want you to have to stay here alone!"

"Im not. She is going to bring me dry clothes and my rain gear and Im gonna go home tonight too."

So all is well. I climb into one of the questionable beds and snooze until my mom shows up. Dry clothing never felt so good. We stuff all our soaking wet stuff into garbage bags. Dad piles on the dry clothes and we head home. Luckily, the rain was fairly light, until we got within 5 miles of our town.

I was worried about weigh in, obviously. I made horrendous food choices at these greasy spoons we kept finding ourselves at. And I clocked no exercise this weekend. But I managed to lose .7

Hell yes. I will take it.

I went to look over all my little warriors posts...but I was extremely overwhelmed by the sheer number! So forgive me girls! Hope you all had fabulous weekends.

And WELCOME!!!
To my new readers B&Bs Mommy and kitan_akinlose!!! Thanks for choosing this windbag over the thousands of other windbags you could be following :)

X's and O's!
Mary

Progress Pictures.

Check em out here

Warning. Im in a bra and undies! Lol

Xo,
M

Mahalo.

My ever-inspiring blog-iverse sista Diz posed a question today. What are you thankful for. And I could go with the normal answers I have for this question(family, friends, roof over my head, etc) but I think Ill go with a little somethin different...

Things I Am Thankful For by Mary B.

1. I am thankful that my parents are on vacation. Not because I dont like being around them-quite the opposite. But they SO deserve one after all the stress they have been going through in the last couple months.

2. I am thankful for my daughters MP3 player, as well as our wii. Because we arent going anywhere on her spring break, she needs to be constantly entertained. And they are doing a great job.

3. Amazon Prime. You are shipping all my last minute stuff I need for my 3 day road trip on the back of a harley this weekend. Not only are you shipping it, but you are shipping it two day for free.

4. Having a washer and dryer in my garage. Because lugging around this volume of clothing/towels/linens would be really hard.

5. Only 7 new episodes left of Lost. Thank god. This show has stolen 6 years of my life. The ending better be FUCKING AMAZING.

6. Speaking of TV shows, Glee is back next week. Amazing show. If you dont watch, you should.

7. Strawberry whole fruit bars. 1 point each. You are amazing. Dont change.

I guess I'll stop here :)

Xo,
Mary

A funny thing happened on the way to nowhere...

Man, tonights walk was action packed!

Heres what happened on the 4 mile loop around my town.

Walking up a b*%$# of a hill, I get the worst side cramp ever. Im not used to these. Now, I knew that my pace was a tad faster then usual, but jesus! I stop and hold my side, waiting for the cramp to pass. And it did. But not in a usual way.

***It gets pretty graphic from here. If you have a weak stomach, turn away!***

All of a sudden, my stomach is doing double backsprings. And landing them sloppily, might I add. I am SO going to throw up. I look around. It happens to be garbage night on this street. I lurch over to a bin and rip the top off. Throw up for a good 40 seconds. Ugh. I feel terrrrrrrible. But what am I gonna do? I am about 1.75 miles away from my house and I dont have my cell.

Fortunately, I dont have time to think about that, as a woman comes screeching out of her house. "DID YOU JUST THROW UP INTO MY TRASH CAN"

I nod. "Yes."

"Whats wrong with you?"

I look at her incredulously. "Im obviously sick."

"Probably from all the liquor."

I am wearing a teeshirt, yoga pants and running shoes. I have my head phones on. Is this woman drunk?

"I promise you ma'am, I havent been drinking. I sincerely apologize if I offended you, but I figured it would be better to do it in a trash can rather then your driveway of bushes. Truly. Very sorry."

I start to walk away.

"Oh no you dont. You need to stay. The police are on their way."

Oh yeah. She is hammered. Either that or certifiable.

"Ma'am, I dont think I have committed a crime actually."

I left after she kicked over her own trash can.


The rest of the walk went off without incident :)

The new link

On the top right hand side of my page is a link to a bunch of pictures of me through the years. Feel free to gawk. :)

Xo,
Mary

Easter Dinner.

I made, with the help of my sister, chicken tacos for dinner. My parent are on vacation, so the siblings and I decided that instead of having lamb or ham(our usual easter fare)we would make the coveted chicken tacos. Its the one food I decided that I wouldnt limit myself on ever. They are far too good and I get them far too rarely. This was the first time since my birthday last year(in August) that we've had them. So, we fry up 120 of those bad boys and sit down to eat. OMG-heaven. Best thing I have ever put into my mouth.

And then I slept for 13 hours. Ugh. I am sincerely dreading stepping on the scale. But anything I gained was worth it!!! I regret nothing! Lol.

Happy Easter bbs!

Xo,
Mary

Update: I lost a pound! Holy crap! And not only did I lose a pound, but I am now in the 20s! 9 more pounds and I will be at my lowest weight in years! My goal for April is to get down to the teens!

x2

I know, for sure, that I overate yesterday. I was over at my moms(NO!) and my brother went grocery shopping(NO!) and brought back all sorts of goodies(NO!!) like potato chips(HELP! NO!) and steak taquitos(OMG! PLEASE NO!)

And on top of that, I ate dinner over there. It wasnt bad, points wise-we had flank steak, pesto and broccoli. But after consuming 1/4 of a bag of chips(yep. i cant even front...) I knew that I was way way over my points for the day.

So, I did what an self respecting, scale number obsessive, walking junkie would do. I threw on my ipod and went out for a walk.

Earlier in the day, I clocked my normal 4 mile loop around my town with my girl, Melissa.

It was freezing last night. And I have come to realize that leggings do not take the place of exercise pants. Leggings are *this close* to being tights. Great for warm summer night strolls. Not so much for brink-of-rain-40-knot-gale-winds weather.

Anyway. I get my groove going and finish my walk before 10. Crawl into bed. Check facebook. Put my sleep timer on. Promptly pass out.

Fast forward to 7:36 am. I kick the covers off me and wince. Holy crap my hip joints are ON FIRE. I lay in bed, trying in futility to convince myself I just moved wrong. My body is laughing at me. "You know what you did wrong...and now we're gonna make you pay for it."

And it is. Two icy hot patches on either side of hips, 800mg of motrin and I am still in bed(after dropping boo off to school) Holy moly. Im breaking in my Step Ups today. This is ridiculous!

On the subject of my over-eating yesterday, I ate and ate and ate and didnt feel full. Until I did, and then I wanted to kill myself. It hit me like a ton of bricks! I forgot how much I hate that feeling, because I havent had it in a while.

Satiated=warm fuzzies.

Full=Im going to throw up on you. Will you still love me?

Im gonna wait until later on to get my walk in. Hopefully it doesnt rain. Becuase as tough as I am, I aint walking in the rain with strep. Hear that weather?! Dont do it!


WELCOME!!!!

To my newest reader-AMBERLY!!!

Kick back hon and get comfortable. Its gonna be a loooong ride! :) Thanks for following!

Xo,
Mary

In All Honesty.

So, today I was watching House on hulu, trying to catch up on this season. And the last episode I watched was about a avid blogger who gets super sick and obviously ends up in Houses care. At one point she says to her boyfriend "I wish you had a blog so I knew what you were thinking."

Im not sure why that struck such a cord with me, but it did. And it made me think about all the things that I am not saying when I am blogging. And why I hold these things back. While I touch on things that bother me, or make me happy, etc, I am painting a picture for you guys. I am revealing what I choose to, but not necessarily what I should. Even though I dont know any of you personally, it makes me feel dishonest. Would you stop reading if you knew certain aspects of my life? Or would it be inspiring that someone could be so bold and honest, even about the worst things about themselves.

The things we hold back, whether they be good or bad manifest themselves in strange ways sometimes. Why this revelation now? Why do I feel the overwhelming sensation to break myself open like a piggy bank and shake out the contents for all to see. To read. To judge. I suppose sometimes its easier to be revealing to a stranger (although some of you arent strangers anymore!) then it is to someone who knows you well.

I was married once. I got pregnant at 19. One month into a relationship. My gut told me to break up with him. Instead I married him, 6 months after meeting each other. We are still married, legally. We actually live together. It will be 7 years in November. But we havent been together in about 5. I started cheating on him about a year and a half into our relationship. My self worth has always been tangled up in my sex life. The hotter or more unobtainable the man, the better I felt about myself. This turned into a full blown sex addiction for about 2 years. I was reckless about myself and others and couldnt really function as a normal adult. It was almost all-consuming.

The only other thing in my life I could focus on, was my daughter. I never thought I would be a 21 year old single mom. I must say,I did a hell of a job raising her. She is a smart cookie and a wonderful little girl. While people were telling me what an amazing job I was doing, I smiled on the outside. But on the inside...I am so afraid for her to grow up to be anything like me. She deserves so much better. And even though she never saw what I was doing(I NEVER brought men home) I knew that I couldnt keep going the way I was going. Kids are much more intuitive then anyone can measure, and I knew that eventually she would catch on...

Ive only ever been in love once. And it wasnt with my husband. To say I would have lied, cheated, stolen and killed for this man is an understatement. Ive known him since he was 16 and it was literally love at first sight. He has broken my heart, twice and yet, I continue to let him come back time after time. And while I have never said it outloud before, he is the reason I ended my marriage. We've never actually dated. The last time we "broke up", was three years ago in August. He started dating one of my very close friends. I was shattered. Bordering suicidal. This man told me that he loved me, that he wanted to marry me, he wanted me to be the mother of his children. Then he runs. He turned 24 yesterday. For 8 years, I have been passionately in love with him. But I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop with him. He told me on Saturday that he was in love with me. And that he wanted to actually try dating-something we have never done officially. But then for the rest of day, he treated terribly. I understand that when you love someone, you have to love all of them. And god knows I do, but how long will I let this go on? My heart can only be patched up so many times and Im already so jaded. The best thing would be to let him go, which is what I did almost three years ago. And literally, all it took him to get back into my life was a hug and a simple "I know I made a mistake".

Being fat almost makes me feel safe. At my most out of control, I was around 260. If I could be that big and still manage to have sex with so many men, what the hell would I do if I were down 50, 60, 80 pounds? And now that I am making a serious effort and the weight IS coming off, it scares me. Corey(the man who the above paragraph is about) tells me all the time that he is afraid of losing me when I take it all off. Im scared actually. While the pros far outweigh the cons, as I have said before, I am terrible at resisting temptation. The high that comes from seeing a smaller number on the scale has in fact, turned into another addiction for me. Food has become my enemy. I dont even go grocery shopping anymore-Baby Daddy does all the shopping. They say that everything is okay in moderation. Have a cookie or two instead of an entire box. But I cant. Id rather not even make it an option. Id rather make a mental checklist of things I absolutely will not allow myself to have instead of trying to have some sort of balance in my life. I guess Im an all-or-nothin kind of girl. And the list of things I wont allow is swiftly turning into a 2 mile list.I deny myself a lot in hopes that it shows up on the scale. When I began this, I decided I would allow myself one cheat day a month, where I really just kind of ate normally. No point counting. No "off limits" attitude. In the last two months, I have counted my cheat days as days that I have drinken my entire days points.

And yet, the thing that I should be curtailing the most, I am not. My drinking. I will not eat anything but veggies all day when I know I will be going out later in the night. My entire generation has a drinking problem. My friends and I dont think we have drinking problems. But we all do. I never drink to have a drink. I drink to get drunk. And I am drunk at least once a week, if not twice. I have made some of my worst decisions, my most hurtful decisions when I am tanked. I have scars from drunken falls. And while, thankfully, I have never landed myself in jail(knock on wood!) I very well could have. I didnt really start drinking until I got out of high school. I started hanging out with a girl whose parents would always buy us booze. They were of the school of thought that if we were drinking in the house and safe...at least we were in the house and safe. And it just kind of snowballed from there. I obviously stopped drinking when I was pregnant, and for about 6 months after she was born. But I honestly dont know if I could stop or would want to stop for any other reason besides pregnancy.

The decisions we make ultimately shape who we are. Strangely enough, I feel like I should be far more fucked up then I am. Maybe I am and just dont recognize it. Could it be that I have become so good at pulling the wool over peoples eyes that I have done it, inadvertently, to myself?

Thanks for listening.

Xo,
Mary

Blogging While Sick...

Ho.Ly.Crap. Am I sick. I went in today for a strep culture. I started feeling absolutely terrible yesterday afternoon. Im not sure where it came from but I barely made it out of bed all day. The upside? My appetite is nil. I ate all of about 8 points today. Popsicles and soup. But I am having the hardest time swallowing, so that makes it difficult to eat or drink anything. I am super weak and I know Im dehydrated, but it hurts to bad!

Anyway, coming off of a 6 pound loss last week, I knew this week wasnt gonna be so good. While I started off strong, my exercise tapered off by thursday and I spent most of the weekend drinking with my ex boyfriend/boyfriend for his birthday. We spent friday, saturday and sunday together. I managed to still be pretty good about my food intake, but I know that my alcoholic choices were absolutely terrible.

I havent gotten the chance to head up to my moms so I can weigh myself. Hopefully tomorrow? Id write more, but its hard to sit up for too long without my migrane coming back...

I hope everyone started off their week healthy and strong.

Xo,
Mary

PX90

Alright, youve talked me into it!!! Well, sorta. I was flipping through the channels and saw the infomercial and ended up watching the entire thing. It looks really fuckin hard. Really. And from the things I am reading online, people that arent in decent shape to begin with-its 30 day shred x1000. But the results are amazing. And I want that! I mean, I am proud of myself for doing all that I am already doing, but I could stand to kick it up a notch. And I actually have some friends that are doing it right now and they say, while its kicking them in the crotch, its workin. AND I have a friend willing to bootleg it for me. Should be here by the end of next week. I'll keep you all updated :)

Anyone out there already doing it?

Xo,
Mary

Blogging:Tapas Style...

Man oh man. Life is funny sometimes. I feel really scattered, so Im gonna comment on a bunch of stuff thats going on in small doses.

Everyones Favorite Legal Drug;Food: Temptation is a hard thing to learn to turn down. I find myself, lately, not being able to resist the temptation of the original Lays potato chips at my moms house. That damn bag has been there all week. Thankfully, it was down to the bar bones today when I went up there to hang out with my brother(he's on spring break from college) What is it about salt that just does it for me? I sometimes think it would be easier to have a sweet tooth. At least then I could down WW desserts. But no, I go reaching for anything salty...which usually means that its greasy. Except saltines. Mmmm...saltines.

The Guessing Game: I am still just guessing my point intake for the day. Granted, I am keeping track of said estimation, but still-the habit I am getting myself into isnt good. With the 6 pound loss last week, I so desperately want to keep that momentum going. And thats not going to happen if I dont take this seriously. In the same vein, I think a lot of the time, I am so afraid of going over, that I actually over-estimate the point values for everything, so I have a cushion. Its a slippery slope I suppose.

Viva la Alcohol!: Just cant give it up. I never realized how socially lubricated I am. I find myself drinking much less often, for the simple fact that I dont want to spend the extra points. This week, one of my best friends is in town from socal. She has gotten drunk every night she has been here(3) Thats what we do in this particular group of friends. We are all together far less then we'd all like, because half of us have trekked off to Socal. But when we all get together, we drink and have these fantastic adventures running around SF, LA or SD. I have gone out twice in the last 4 days, for instance, and have managed to only have a kamikaze, a corona and a Jameson shot under my belt. Which is extremely tame for this crowd. Thursday, I wont be able(or try) to drink in moderation. Im going to ask my momma if she will watch lil bit for me thursday night and take her to school on friday morning. And even though it probably makes me sound like the biggest lush, I miss drinking with reckless abandon. Not that I did it often, but I enjoy having options.

I Got 99 Problems But A Bitch Aint One...:Thank god for Melissa. She is the real life equivalent of all you guys...but in the real world. She walks with me at least 4 times a week. She is supportive and genuinely happy for me when I tell her where Im weighing in at. She wants me to succeed and she is doing everything she can to help me. And even though she doesnt read this, Girlie-I love you for all you do!

Men Are From Mars...or Something Like That: Hey mom, do me a favor and just stop reading here, k?

*****DONT SAY I DIDNT WARN YOU*****

So, Im kinda falling back in love with my ex. My first love. The guy who has hurt me the most in the world. Why is it that a girl can see that a boy is terrible for her, and yet still want to be with him? A man that smashed her heart into pieces, she will then pick them up meticulously and love him with all the little fractions and slivers he left behind? Ugh. It doesnt help that we have been spending entirely too much time with each other. This is how it always starts. Each time, the story is a little different, but the ending is always the same. Im a reasonably smart woman...what the hell am I doing? Its hard for me to say no to something that is bringing me joy, no matter how temporary or fleeting it may be. Everyone that loves me, hates this guy. And with good reason. I make no excuses for him. He is an ass. But I also cant help how I feel about him. We either need to be on different continents or one of us needs to be dead, because the bond we share is undeniable...even if its undefinable. Good grief.

The Inevitable In-Between: Sizes that is. My pants are falling off me. My skinny jeans are still giving me a muffin top that I just dont feel comfortable with. What the hell is a girl to do. For the love of god, Im down 22 pounds. That should at least be ONE pant size. Cut me a break. Although, honestly, I dont know what I will do when I am actually able to shop in a "regular" store for clothing. Pass out from the options probably...

Hmmm...I think those are my issues as of this moment. Thanks for visiting the cornucopia tonight. We now return you to you scheduled programming :)

Xo,
Mary

Support. :)

My dearest Diz gave me an award. And its super sassy!!



1.Thank the person who gave you the award: Diz...what can I say. Its weird to feel close to someone youve never met. But we're total kindred spirits. I think you are so incredibly awesome. Youre such an inspirational person and positive force in my life, you make me feel like Im not alone going through this gauntlet! Thanks girly! I adore ya!

2. 5 bloggers that make my life a lil sweeter!

Katie J!
Heather!
Candy!
Christy!
Olivia!

3. Why I was given then award? "Mary is one of my favorite bloggers- I have a feeling we would be good friends in "real life". She's supportive, funny, and real. I got a special place in my heart for you Mary! Keep up the good work girl you look fabulous and are getting cuter everyday. :)"

4.Tell the nominees why you gave them the award. There were lots of people I wanted to give the award to, including ladies I already knew had received it (Ms CC and Diz!) but the reason I picked these five ladies was because they have all been so incredibly supportive and motivating. You are all wonderful and I cant express to you how much your kind comments mean to me!!

Xo,
Mary

Six and Twenty. Reflections.

Six pounds. I managed to lose six pounds this week. After all this stress that has been literally, taking over my life, I managed to actually make my goal important enough to myself to obtain. And I did it. Along with this six pound loss, I also blasted through my first short term goal, which was the dreaded 20 lbs. I am now down 22 lbs total.

I havent always made the right decisions. There were days that food was my compadre. When I was upset or stressed or sad-I reached for things I know I shouldnt have. There were nights I drank half a days points in one sitting. But for the first time EVER, I didnt let the stumbles become falls. I didnt abandon my wagon. I have stuck to a diet and exercise routine for almost 4 months now. That is huge for me.

I could always be described in the following sentence "I can resist anything...except temptation" That motto seeped into every facet of my life-food, boys,shopping,school,work. Everything. I am finally starting to realize that just because I could eat onion rings, doesnt mean I dont have the will power to order the salad. For so long I just thought to myself "You just dont have the willpower it takes to give your eating habits up" or "Some people are just meant to be big" This new found power over nothing more then myself, is so amazingly freeing. I love knowing that everytime I drop a few pounds, make the decision to walk instead of watch tv or sleep, eat a can of soup instead of the frozen pizza in my freezer-its me making those decisions. I am complete in control of this ship and I am loving every minute of it. Im proud that when people say "You look great" its because of the work I alone, am doing. I am my greatest masterpiece, even if its still a work in progress.

..Now to think of a reward for those 22 pounds that have been annihilated... :)

Love to all my beauties. Happy monday girls!

Xo,
Mary

Why the hell would this be ANYONES GOAL!?!?!

Because you are what keeps me going...

While I have nothing inspirational or just plain rational to say-you guys are the ones that keep me going, so I wanted to say...


WELCOME!!!!

To my new readers-

Keelie, Allison and Mary.

Hey girlies! I promise I will be much more entertaining then this in the coming posts!

I hope all my warriors are doing well. Love you all and thank you all SO much for the support. Its been a tough couple of weeks and its nice to have people know how hard the weight sturggle is ESPECIALLY when you are going through tough times!

Xoxo darlings!
Mary

The things we miss.

So after visiting Tiff over at her page I decided to write an ode to the things Ive grown to love, the things I hate and the things I have given up, but still pine for.

Love
1. Soup. I was never really a soup girl. Top Ramen occasionally. I also adored Pho. But other then that, when given a choice of soup or salad, I always chose salad. I now swear by the 2-points-for-an-entire-can Progresso soups. I especially love the Chicken and Dumpling.

2. Chili Pepper Flakes. I can not say enough about you CPF. I put these babies on everything(they go great in my soup) Spicy foods boost you metabolism. I have always been a fan of spicy foods and these dried little miracle workers are just the kick my chicken/salad/soup/WW meal needs.

3. Chicken. Was never too crazy about chicken, unless is was deep fried or in nugget form. Rosemary lemon chicken is low in points and delicious and goes amazing with my next entry.

4. Corn Tortillas. Welcome to my new obsession. I can not get enough. I thought that limiting my carbs(per doctors orders) was gonna be hell. I LOVE potatoes. I dig pasta. Bread I could do without. My favorite meal is to cut 3 tortillas into strips. Fry them in a tbsp of peanut oil. Add 3 oz of shredded chicken, diced tomatoes,onions,lettuce,red pepper flakes, a tbsp of Parmesan into a bowl and enjoy. About 8 points. And good god, its delicious.

5. Saltines. Weird right? But you get 5 crackers for 1 point. Goes good with my soup and satisfies my salt cravings.

HATE

1. Zucchini. No. No. No. No. The texture makes me gag immediately

2. Mushrooms. See above entry.

3. Anything with wine based sauces. I hate the taste of wine. Which is why I dont drink it. Please dont put it in my food.

4. Pork Chops. They are dry and rubbery, no matter how they are cooked or where I eat them.

5. The majority of fish. Like my chicken, unless deep fried, Ill pass. They look completely unappetizing. No thank you.

Gone, But Not Forgotten

1. McDonalds. Cant help it; I miss french fries and chicken nuggets. I dont think thats ever going to go away. But I can honestly say that I havent had fast food in almost 3 months. And that makes me feel awesome

2. Pints of Haagen Daaz Dulce de Leche Ice Cream. Ugh. Im mourning the loss...

3. Chinese food. Not that I never eat it. But I try to avoid it like the plague. Its just SO high in points!

4. Crunch California Rolls. Mmmm...deep fried. And to that effect, any rolls that have anything fried or "special/house" sauces on them. Yummy=Fat.

5. The freedom to eat whatever I want, as much as I want. Something that, yes, I occasionally miss. Is it easier to go through a bag or doritos rather then measuring out 3 oz? Uh, yeah! But in losing that freedom, Im gaining something so much more awesome. And for the first time in my life, the thing I am gaining isnt weight!

Love you boos!

Xo,
Mary

(over) Emotional Eating (bingeing)

First, thank you guys for the encouragement. Its been a hell of a rough patch and, while Im still in the midst of it, you guys are making me feel a lot better :)

So, yesterday was really hard. I went with my mom to visit nursing homes for my grandmother. She, thankfully, is doing better and they plan on releasing her from the hospital in the next week or so. But she cant come back home to live. Too many stairs.

We started off our day with breakfast at Dennys. I need to learn my lesson and just stay the hell away from there. My ham and cheese omlette, hash browns and toast cost me 30 points. Yep. All my points for the day.

*Sigh*

We went over and visited the nursing home that is closest to my parents house. Nice facility. But 7000 dollars a month is a bit out of our range.

Which prompted my mom and I to head home, dejected, but with lots of resources in hand. The lady at the facility was very nice and gave us booklets and brochures and phone numbers.

We started calling around. My mom left because she had a meeting with a social worker at the hospital. I called medicare, medi-cal and the county of san mateo to try and find out what kind of programs my grandmother is eligible for. Because she has money in stocks, not much. They want her deplete her savings before they help her. Its frustrating as hell.

Anyway, went and picked up the kiddo, cleaned my parents house and went home. Baby Daddy, trying to be a sweetheart, picked up dinner. He stopped at outback steak house and ordered me a steak, veggies and a wedge salad. I didnt even bother checking the points. I mindlessly scarfed in down, while watching Friends. It wasnt even that good. But I ate it all anyway. Why? WHY!?!

I can see my pattern of emotional eating. And I know its totally wrong. And yet, I do it anyway. I know Im doing it when I am doing it and still I dont stop.

I was ready to pass out at 6, but instead dragged my sorry ass outside in my walkin shoes and my ipod and went for a 6 mile walk. I felt a lot better when I got home. Although I may have stumbled, I was able to catch up with my wagon and hop back on; instead of laying in the dirt like I used to.

Im heading to the library to see if I can track down a copy of the fat flush plan, since Diz is raving about it. Then off for a walk. Today is my grandmothers 102nd birthday(I know right?!) so later on, I hope to have enough points for a piece of cake.

To all my weight warriors, I hope that you are all doing great. Much love bbs.


WELCOME!!!!

To my newest reader-Drazil(its Lizard backwards. Very cute story attached to it!)

Thanks for hanging hon!!

Xo,
Mary