Work is both a breeze and mentally taxing. Its made me more nuturing, and at the same time, vicious. I take care of my grandmother. She is 102 and needs constant care. I love her. A lot. But, its getting harder and harder to remember that she isnt doing things to piss me off. Her body is failing her. For almost 100 years she was able to get around on her own, fix her own meals, bathe alone, use the bathroom. And now, she cant do any of these things. Im frustrated when Im changing her and she HAS to sit down. Before I can wipe her. Which means I have to change the sheets for the second time today. When she yells out for me (usually "Okay!") which is my cue to run upstairs to see if she needs something, my parents and I joke about it. I feel absolutely awful. She is my grandmother. She has never been anything but loving towards us. She has never told me she loves me(shes old school) but showed it in every single thing that she did for us kids growing up. And I am repaying her back that kindness by rolling my eyes when she cant boost herself up from the chair or giggling when she yells for me? What kind of person does that? I am ashamed and disgusted (and crying) as I write this. She cant see and can barely hear, so every activity she used to do(knitting, reading, watching tv, crossword puzzles, cooking,etc) are out of the question. Most days, she just lies in bed, when shes not up to eat. I often wonder how she fills her days. What she thinks about. How she feels. I guess its just as hard to watch her grow older as it is for her to be experiencing it. I will be better to her because she deserves it.
So its hard to be encouraging when inside I feel like such a poor excuse for a human being. I love all my warriors, deep in your own trenches of the weight loss battle. And silently, I pray for you all to find the things you need to help you win this war.
There is a void where my mouth used to be.
Xo,
M
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Mary it is emotionally taxing to care for someone. Never feel bad. In your heart u love her or you wouldn't be there. And yes it is normal to think the not so nice thoughts. Don't you remember being a new mom how the frustrations were never ending. It does in no way make you a bad person. It makes you human. But it also makes you amazing cause you still go back instead of shoving her away. Big hugs. your in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteAS a physician, I see care givers go through these emotions all the time. Some of the rolling eyes and laughing is one way people use to cope with the stress of watching a loved one waste away. It doesn't mean you love her less, but more. You are there day in and out helping her and you are doing it despite how hard it is and how it makes you feel. Be proud of that.
ReplyDeleteHi Sweetheart, you are not a bad person! Sometimes we have to find different ways to release frustration or we'll explode. It sounds like what you're doing to help your grandmother not only makes you a more wonderful person than you'll ever know, its very hard on your heart and soul and not something someone your age should have to deal with. So you combat it by acting out your frustration but I'm sure you know deep in your heart that you love your grandmother and would do anything for her (if you haven't already). Keep your chin up, we love you!! xoxox
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