So, today I was watching House on hulu, trying to catch up on this season. And the last episode I watched was about a avid blogger who gets super sick and obviously ends up in Houses care. At one point she says to her boyfriend "I wish you had a blog so I knew what you were thinking."
Im not sure why that struck such a cord with me, but it did. And it made me think about all the things that I am not saying when I am blogging. And why I hold these things back. While I touch on things that bother me, or make me happy, etc, I am painting a picture for you guys. I am revealing what I choose to, but not necessarily what I should. Even though I dont know any of you personally, it makes me feel dishonest. Would you stop reading if you knew certain aspects of my life? Or would it be inspiring that someone could be so bold and honest, even about the worst things about themselves.
The things we hold back, whether they be good or bad manifest themselves in strange ways sometimes. Why this revelation now? Why do I feel the overwhelming sensation to break myself open like a piggy bank and shake out the contents for all to see. To read. To judge. I suppose sometimes its easier to be revealing to a stranger (although some of you arent strangers anymore!) then it is to someone who knows you well.
I was married once. I got pregnant at 19. One month into a relationship. My gut told me to break up with him. Instead I married him, 6 months after meeting each other. We are still married, legally. We actually live together. It will be 7 years in November. But we havent been together in about 5. I started cheating on him about a year and a half into our relationship. My self worth has always been tangled up in my sex life. The hotter or more unobtainable the man, the better I felt about myself. This turned into a full blown sex addiction for about 2 years. I was reckless about myself and others and couldnt really function as a normal adult. It was almost all-consuming.
The only other thing in my life I could focus on, was my daughter. I never thought I would be a 21 year old single mom. I must say,I did a hell of a job raising her. She is a smart cookie and a wonderful little girl. While people were telling me what an amazing job I was doing, I smiled on the outside. But on the inside...I am so afraid for her to grow up to be anything like me. She deserves so much better. And even though she never saw what I was doing(I NEVER brought men home) I knew that I couldnt keep going the way I was going. Kids are much more intuitive then anyone can measure, and I knew that eventually she would catch on...
Ive only ever been in love once. And it wasnt with my husband. To say I would have lied, cheated, stolen and killed for this man is an understatement. Ive known him since he was 16 and it was literally love at first sight. He has broken my heart, twice and yet, I continue to let him come back time after time. And while I have never said it outloud before, he is the reason I ended my marriage. We've never actually dated. The last time we "broke up", was three years ago in August. He started dating one of my very close friends. I was shattered. Bordering suicidal. This man told me that he loved me, that he wanted to marry me, he wanted me to be the mother of his children. Then he runs. He turned 24 yesterday. For 8 years, I have been passionately in love with him. But I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop with him. He told me on Saturday that he was in love with me. And that he wanted to actually try dating-something we have never done officially. But then for the rest of day, he treated terribly. I understand that when you love someone, you have to love all of them. And god knows I do, but how long will I let this go on? My heart can only be patched up so many times and Im already so jaded. The best thing would be to let him go, which is what I did almost three years ago. And literally, all it took him to get back into my life was a hug and a simple "I know I made a mistake".
Being fat almost makes me feel safe. At my most out of control, I was around 260. If I could be that big and still manage to have sex with so many men, what the hell would I do if I were down 50, 60, 80 pounds? And now that I am making a serious effort and the weight IS coming off, it scares me. Corey(the man who the above paragraph is about) tells me all the time that he is afraid of losing me when I take it all off. Im scared actually. While the pros far outweigh the cons, as I have said before, I am terrible at resisting temptation. The high that comes from seeing a smaller number on the scale has in fact, turned into another addiction for me. Food has become my enemy. I dont even go grocery shopping anymore-Baby Daddy does all the shopping. They say that everything is okay in moderation. Have a cookie or two instead of an entire box. But I cant. Id rather not even make it an option. Id rather make a mental checklist of things I absolutely will not allow myself to have instead of trying to have some sort of balance in my life. I guess Im an all-or-nothin kind of girl. And the list of things I wont allow is swiftly turning into a 2 mile list.I deny myself a lot in hopes that it shows up on the scale. When I began this, I decided I would allow myself one cheat day a month, where I really just kind of ate normally. No point counting. No "off limits" attitude. In the last two months, I have counted my cheat days as days that I have drinken my entire days points.
And yet, the thing that I should be curtailing the most, I am not. My drinking. I will not eat anything but veggies all day when I know I will be going out later in the night. My entire generation has a drinking problem. My friends and I dont think we have drinking problems. But we all do. I never drink to have a drink. I drink to get drunk. And I am drunk at least once a week, if not twice. I have made some of my worst decisions, my most hurtful decisions when I am tanked. I have scars from drunken falls. And while, thankfully, I have never landed myself in jail(knock on wood!) I very well could have. I didnt really start drinking until I got out of high school. I started hanging out with a girl whose parents would always buy us booze. They were of the school of thought that if we were drinking in the house and safe...at least we were in the house and safe. And it just kind of snowballed from there. I obviously stopped drinking when I was pregnant, and for about 6 months after she was born. But I honestly dont know if I could stop or would want to stop for any other reason besides pregnancy.
The decisions we make ultimately shape who we are. Strangely enough, I feel like I should be far more fucked up then I am. Maybe I am and just dont recognize it. Could it be that I have become so good at pulling the wool over peoples eyes that I have done it, inadvertently, to myself?
Thanks for listening.
Xo,
Mary
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Blogging While Sick...
Ho.Ly.Crap. Am I sick. I went in today for a strep culture. I started feeling absolutely terrible yesterday afternoon. Im not sure where it came from but I barely made it out of bed all day. The upside? My appetite is nil. I ate all of about 8 points today. Popsicles and soup. But I am having the hardest time swallowing, so that makes it difficult to eat or drink anything. I am super weak and I know Im dehydrated, but it hurts to bad!
Anyway, coming off of a 6 pound loss last week, I knew this week wasnt gonna be so good. While I started off strong, my exercise tapered off by thursday and I spent most of the weekend drinking with my ex boyfriend/boyfriend for his birthday. We spent friday, saturday and sunday together. I managed to still be pretty good about my food intake, but I know that my alcoholic choices were absolutely terrible.
I havent gotten the chance to head up to my moms so I can weigh myself. Hopefully tomorrow? Id write more, but its hard to sit up for too long without my migrane coming back...
I hope everyone started off their week healthy and strong.
Xo,
Mary
Anyway, coming off of a 6 pound loss last week, I knew this week wasnt gonna be so good. While I started off strong, my exercise tapered off by thursday and I spent most of the weekend drinking with my ex boyfriend/boyfriend for his birthday. We spent friday, saturday and sunday together. I managed to still be pretty good about my food intake, but I know that my alcoholic choices were absolutely terrible.
I havent gotten the chance to head up to my moms so I can weigh myself. Hopefully tomorrow? Id write more, but its hard to sit up for too long without my migrane coming back...
I hope everyone started off their week healthy and strong.
Xo,
Mary
Thursday, March 25, 2010
PX90
Alright, youve talked me into it!!! Well, sorta. I was flipping through the channels and saw the infomercial and ended up watching the entire thing. It looks really fuckin hard. Really. And from the things I am reading online, people that arent in decent shape to begin with-its 30 day shred x1000. But the results are amazing. And I want that! I mean, I am proud of myself for doing all that I am already doing, but I could stand to kick it up a notch. And I actually have some friends that are doing it right now and they say, while its kicking them in the crotch, its workin. AND I have a friend willing to bootleg it for me. Should be here by the end of next week. I'll keep you all updated :)
Anyone out there already doing it?
Xo,
Mary
Anyone out there already doing it?
Xo,
Mary
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Blogging:Tapas Style...
Man oh man. Life is funny sometimes. I feel really scattered, so Im gonna comment on a bunch of stuff thats going on in small doses.
Everyones Favorite Legal Drug;Food: Temptation is a hard thing to learn to turn down. I find myself, lately, not being able to resist the temptation of the original Lays potato chips at my moms house. That damn bag has been there all week. Thankfully, it was down to the bar bones today when I went up there to hang out with my brother(he's on spring break from college) What is it about salt that just does it for me? I sometimes think it would be easier to have a sweet tooth. At least then I could down WW desserts. But no, I go reaching for anything salty...which usually means that its greasy. Except saltines. Mmmm...saltines.
The Guessing Game: I am still just guessing my point intake for the day. Granted, I am keeping track of said estimation, but still-the habit I am getting myself into isnt good. With the 6 pound loss last week, I so desperately want to keep that momentum going. And thats not going to happen if I dont take this seriously. In the same vein, I think a lot of the time, I am so afraid of going over, that I actually over-estimate the point values for everything, so I have a cushion. Its a slippery slope I suppose.
Viva la Alcohol!: Just cant give it up. I never realized how socially lubricated I am. I find myself drinking much less often, for the simple fact that I dont want to spend the extra points. This week, one of my best friends is in town from socal. She has gotten drunk every night she has been here(3) Thats what we do in this particular group of friends. We are all together far less then we'd all like, because half of us have trekked off to Socal. But when we all get together, we drink and have these fantastic adventures running around SF, LA or SD. I have gone out twice in the last 4 days, for instance, and have managed to only have a kamikaze, a corona and a Jameson shot under my belt. Which is extremely tame for this crowd. Thursday, I wont be able(or try) to drink in moderation. Im going to ask my momma if she will watch lil bit for me thursday night and take her to school on friday morning. And even though it probably makes me sound like the biggest lush, I miss drinking with reckless abandon. Not that I did it often, but I enjoy having options.
I Got 99 Problems But A Bitch Aint One...:Thank god for Melissa. She is the real life equivalent of all you guys...but in the real world. She walks with me at least 4 times a week. She is supportive and genuinely happy for me when I tell her where Im weighing in at. She wants me to succeed and she is doing everything she can to help me. And even though she doesnt read this, Girlie-I love you for all you do!
Men Are From Mars...or Something Like That: Hey mom, do me a favor and just stop reading here, k?
*****DONT SAY I DIDNT WARN YOU*****
So, Im kinda falling back in love with my ex. My first love. The guy who has hurt me the most in the world. Why is it that a girl can see that a boy is terrible for her, and yet still want to be with him? A man that smashed her heart into pieces, she will then pick them up meticulously and love him with all the little fractions and slivers he left behind? Ugh. It doesnt help that we have been spending entirely too much time with each other. This is how it always starts. Each time, the story is a little different, but the ending is always the same. Im a reasonably smart woman...what the hell am I doing? Its hard for me to say no to something that is bringing me joy, no matter how temporary or fleeting it may be. Everyone that loves me, hates this guy. And with good reason. I make no excuses for him. He is an ass. But I also cant help how I feel about him. We either need to be on different continents or one of us needs to be dead, because the bond we share is undeniable...even if its undefinable. Good grief.
The Inevitable In-Between: Sizes that is. My pants are falling off me. My skinny jeans are still giving me a muffin top that I just dont feel comfortable with. What the hell is a girl to do. For the love of god, Im down 22 pounds. That should at least be ONE pant size. Cut me a break. Although, honestly, I dont know what I will do when I am actually able to shop in a "regular" store for clothing. Pass out from the options probably...
Hmmm...I think those are my issues as of this moment. Thanks for visiting the cornucopia tonight. We now return you to you scheduled programming :)
Xo,
Mary
Everyones Favorite Legal Drug;Food: Temptation is a hard thing to learn to turn down. I find myself, lately, not being able to resist the temptation of the original Lays potato chips at my moms house. That damn bag has been there all week. Thankfully, it was down to the bar bones today when I went up there to hang out with my brother(he's on spring break from college) What is it about salt that just does it for me? I sometimes think it would be easier to have a sweet tooth. At least then I could down WW desserts. But no, I go reaching for anything salty...which usually means that its greasy. Except saltines. Mmmm...saltines.
The Guessing Game: I am still just guessing my point intake for the day. Granted, I am keeping track of said estimation, but still-the habit I am getting myself into isnt good. With the 6 pound loss last week, I so desperately want to keep that momentum going. And thats not going to happen if I dont take this seriously. In the same vein, I think a lot of the time, I am so afraid of going over, that I actually over-estimate the point values for everything, so I have a cushion. Its a slippery slope I suppose.
Viva la Alcohol!: Just cant give it up. I never realized how socially lubricated I am. I find myself drinking much less often, for the simple fact that I dont want to spend the extra points. This week, one of my best friends is in town from socal. She has gotten drunk every night she has been here(3) Thats what we do in this particular group of friends. We are all together far less then we'd all like, because half of us have trekked off to Socal. But when we all get together, we drink and have these fantastic adventures running around SF, LA or SD. I have gone out twice in the last 4 days, for instance, and have managed to only have a kamikaze, a corona and a Jameson shot under my belt. Which is extremely tame for this crowd. Thursday, I wont be able(or try) to drink in moderation. Im going to ask my momma if she will watch lil bit for me thursday night and take her to school on friday morning. And even though it probably makes me sound like the biggest lush, I miss drinking with reckless abandon. Not that I did it often, but I enjoy having options.
I Got 99 Problems But A Bitch Aint One...:Thank god for Melissa. She is the real life equivalent of all you guys...but in the real world. She walks with me at least 4 times a week. She is supportive and genuinely happy for me when I tell her where Im weighing in at. She wants me to succeed and she is doing everything she can to help me. And even though she doesnt read this, Girlie-I love you for all you do!
Men Are From Mars...or Something Like That: Hey mom, do me a favor and just stop reading here, k?
*****DONT SAY I DIDNT WARN YOU*****
So, Im kinda falling back in love with my ex. My first love. The guy who has hurt me the most in the world. Why is it that a girl can see that a boy is terrible for her, and yet still want to be with him? A man that smashed her heart into pieces, she will then pick them up meticulously and love him with all the little fractions and slivers he left behind? Ugh. It doesnt help that we have been spending entirely too much time with each other. This is how it always starts. Each time, the story is a little different, but the ending is always the same. Im a reasonably smart woman...what the hell am I doing? Its hard for me to say no to something that is bringing me joy, no matter how temporary or fleeting it may be. Everyone that loves me, hates this guy. And with good reason. I make no excuses for him. He is an ass. But I also cant help how I feel about him. We either need to be on different continents or one of us needs to be dead, because the bond we share is undeniable...even if its undefinable. Good grief.
The Inevitable In-Between: Sizes that is. My pants are falling off me. My skinny jeans are still giving me a muffin top that I just dont feel comfortable with. What the hell is a girl to do. For the love of god, Im down 22 pounds. That should at least be ONE pant size. Cut me a break. Although, honestly, I dont know what I will do when I am actually able to shop in a "regular" store for clothing. Pass out from the options probably...
Hmmm...I think those are my issues as of this moment. Thanks for visiting the cornucopia tonight. We now return you to you scheduled programming :)
Xo,
Mary
Monday, March 22, 2010
Support. :)
My dearest Diz gave me an award. And its super sassy!!
1.Thank the person who gave you the award: Diz...what can I say. Its weird to feel close to someone youve never met. But we're total kindred spirits. I think you are so incredibly awesome. Youre such an inspirational person and positive force in my life, you make me feel like Im not alone going through this gauntlet! Thanks girly! I adore ya!
2. 5 bloggers that make my life a lil sweeter!
Katie J!
Heather!
Candy!
Christy!
Olivia!
3. Why I was given then award? "Mary is one of my favorite bloggers- I have a feeling we would be good friends in "real life". She's supportive, funny, and real. I got a special place in my heart for you Mary! Keep up the good work girl you look fabulous and are getting cuter everyday. :)"
4.Tell the nominees why you gave them the award. There were lots of people I wanted to give the award to, including ladies I already knew had received it (Ms CC and Diz!) but the reason I picked these five ladies was because they have all been so incredibly supportive and motivating. You are all wonderful and I cant express to you how much your kind comments mean to me!!
Xo,
Mary
1.Thank the person who gave you the award: Diz...what can I say. Its weird to feel close to someone youve never met. But we're total kindred spirits. I think you are so incredibly awesome. Youre such an inspirational person and positive force in my life, you make me feel like Im not alone going through this gauntlet! Thanks girly! I adore ya!
2. 5 bloggers that make my life a lil sweeter!
Katie J!
Heather!
Candy!
Christy!
Olivia!
3. Why I was given then award? "Mary is one of my favorite bloggers- I have a feeling we would be good friends in "real life". She's supportive, funny, and real. I got a special place in my heart for you Mary! Keep up the good work girl you look fabulous and are getting cuter everyday. :)"
4.Tell the nominees why you gave them the award. There were lots of people I wanted to give the award to, including ladies I already knew had received it (Ms CC and Diz!) but the reason I picked these five ladies was because they have all been so incredibly supportive and motivating. You are all wonderful and I cant express to you how much your kind comments mean to me!!
Xo,
Mary
Six and Twenty. Reflections.
Six pounds. I managed to lose six pounds this week. After all this stress that has been literally, taking over my life, I managed to actually make my goal important enough to myself to obtain. And I did it. Along with this six pound loss, I also blasted through my first short term goal, which was the dreaded 20 lbs. I am now down 22 lbs total.
I havent always made the right decisions. There were days that food was my compadre. When I was upset or stressed or sad-I reached for things I know I shouldnt have. There were nights I drank half a days points in one sitting. But for the first time EVER, I didnt let the stumbles become falls. I didnt abandon my wagon. I have stuck to a diet and exercise routine for almost 4 months now. That is huge for me.
I could always be described in the following sentence "I can resist anything...except temptation" That motto seeped into every facet of my life-food, boys,shopping,school,work. Everything. I am finally starting to realize that just because I could eat onion rings, doesnt mean I dont have the will power to order the salad. For so long I just thought to myself "You just dont have the willpower it takes to give your eating habits up" or "Some people are just meant to be big" This new found power over nothing more then myself, is so amazingly freeing. I love knowing that everytime I drop a few pounds, make the decision to walk instead of watch tv or sleep, eat a can of soup instead of the frozen pizza in my freezer-its me making those decisions. I am complete in control of this ship and I am loving every minute of it. Im proud that when people say "You look great" its because of the work I alone, am doing. I am my greatest masterpiece, even if its still a work in progress.
..Now to think of a reward for those 22 pounds that have been annihilated... :)
Love to all my beauties. Happy monday girls!
Xo,
Mary
I havent always made the right decisions. There were days that food was my compadre. When I was upset or stressed or sad-I reached for things I know I shouldnt have. There were nights I drank half a days points in one sitting. But for the first time EVER, I didnt let the stumbles become falls. I didnt abandon my wagon. I have stuck to a diet and exercise routine for almost 4 months now. That is huge for me.
I could always be described in the following sentence "I can resist anything...except temptation" That motto seeped into every facet of my life-food, boys,shopping,school,work. Everything. I am finally starting to realize that just because I could eat onion rings, doesnt mean I dont have the will power to order the salad. For so long I just thought to myself "You just dont have the willpower it takes to give your eating habits up" or "Some people are just meant to be big" This new found power over nothing more then myself, is so amazingly freeing. I love knowing that everytime I drop a few pounds, make the decision to walk instead of watch tv or sleep, eat a can of soup instead of the frozen pizza in my freezer-its me making those decisions. I am complete in control of this ship and I am loving every minute of it. Im proud that when people say "You look great" its because of the work I alone, am doing. I am my greatest masterpiece, even if its still a work in progress.
..Now to think of a reward for those 22 pounds that have been annihilated... :)
Love to all my beauties. Happy monday girls!
Xo,
Mary
Friday, March 19, 2010
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Because you are what keeps me going...
While I have nothing inspirational or just plain rational to say-you guys are the ones that keep me going, so I wanted to say...
WELCOME!!!!
To my new readers-
Keelie, Allison and Mary.
Hey girlies! I promise I will be much more entertaining then this in the coming posts!
I hope all my warriors are doing well. Love you all and thank you all SO much for the support. Its been a tough couple of weeks and its nice to have people know how hard the weight sturggle is ESPECIALLY when you are going through tough times!
Xoxo darlings!
Mary
WELCOME!!!!
To my new readers-
Keelie, Allison and Mary.
Hey girlies! I promise I will be much more entertaining then this in the coming posts!
I hope all my warriors are doing well. Love you all and thank you all SO much for the support. Its been a tough couple of weeks and its nice to have people know how hard the weight sturggle is ESPECIALLY when you are going through tough times!
Xoxo darlings!
Mary
Friday, March 12, 2010
The things we miss.
So after visiting Tiff over at her page I decided to write an ode to the things Ive grown to love, the things I hate and the things I have given up, but still pine for.
Love
1. Soup. I was never really a soup girl. Top Ramen occasionally. I also adored Pho. But other then that, when given a choice of soup or salad, I always chose salad. I now swear by the 2-points-for-an-entire-can Progresso soups. I especially love the Chicken and Dumpling.
2. Chili Pepper Flakes. I can not say enough about you CPF. I put these babies on everything(they go great in my soup) Spicy foods boost you metabolism. I have always been a fan of spicy foods and these dried little miracle workers are just the kick my chicken/salad/soup/WW meal needs.
3. Chicken. Was never too crazy about chicken, unless is was deep fried or in nugget form. Rosemary lemon chicken is low in points and delicious and goes amazing with my next entry.
4. Corn Tortillas. Welcome to my new obsession. I can not get enough. I thought that limiting my carbs(per doctors orders) was gonna be hell. I LOVE potatoes. I dig pasta. Bread I could do without. My favorite meal is to cut 3 tortillas into strips. Fry them in a tbsp of peanut oil. Add 3 oz of shredded chicken, diced tomatoes,onions,lettuce,red pepper flakes, a tbsp of Parmesan into a bowl and enjoy. About 8 points. And good god, its delicious.
5. Saltines. Weird right? But you get 5 crackers for 1 point. Goes good with my soup and satisfies my salt cravings.
HATE
1. Zucchini. No. No. No. No. The texture makes me gag immediately
2. Mushrooms. See above entry.
3. Anything with wine based sauces. I hate the taste of wine. Which is why I dont drink it. Please dont put it in my food.
4. Pork Chops. They are dry and rubbery, no matter how they are cooked or where I eat them.
5. The majority of fish. Like my chicken, unless deep fried, Ill pass. They look completely unappetizing. No thank you.
Gone, But Not Forgotten
1. McDonalds. Cant help it; I miss french fries and chicken nuggets. I dont think thats ever going to go away. But I can honestly say that I havent had fast food in almost 3 months. And that makes me feel awesome
2. Pints of Haagen Daaz Dulce de Leche Ice Cream. Ugh. Im mourning the loss...
3. Chinese food. Not that I never eat it. But I try to avoid it like the plague. Its just SO high in points!
4. Crunch California Rolls. Mmmm...deep fried. And to that effect, any rolls that have anything fried or "special/house" sauces on them. Yummy=Fat.
5. The freedom to eat whatever I want, as much as I want. Something that, yes, I occasionally miss. Is it easier to go through a bag or doritos rather then measuring out 3 oz? Uh, yeah! But in losing that freedom, Im gaining something so much more awesome. And for the first time in my life, the thing I am gaining isnt weight!
Love you boos!
Xo,
Mary
Love
1. Soup. I was never really a soup girl. Top Ramen occasionally. I also adored Pho. But other then that, when given a choice of soup or salad, I always chose salad. I now swear by the 2-points-for-an-entire-can Progresso soups. I especially love the Chicken and Dumpling.
2. Chili Pepper Flakes. I can not say enough about you CPF. I put these babies on everything(they go great in my soup) Spicy foods boost you metabolism. I have always been a fan of spicy foods and these dried little miracle workers are just the kick my chicken/salad/soup/WW meal needs.
3. Chicken. Was never too crazy about chicken, unless is was deep fried or in nugget form. Rosemary lemon chicken is low in points and delicious and goes amazing with my next entry.
4. Corn Tortillas. Welcome to my new obsession. I can not get enough. I thought that limiting my carbs(per doctors orders) was gonna be hell. I LOVE potatoes. I dig pasta. Bread I could do without. My favorite meal is to cut 3 tortillas into strips. Fry them in a tbsp of peanut oil. Add 3 oz of shredded chicken, diced tomatoes,onions,lettuce,red pepper flakes, a tbsp of Parmesan into a bowl and enjoy. About 8 points. And good god, its delicious.
5. Saltines. Weird right? But you get 5 crackers for 1 point. Goes good with my soup and satisfies my salt cravings.
HATE
1. Zucchini. No. No. No. No. The texture makes me gag immediately
2. Mushrooms. See above entry.
3. Anything with wine based sauces. I hate the taste of wine. Which is why I dont drink it. Please dont put it in my food.
4. Pork Chops. They are dry and rubbery, no matter how they are cooked or where I eat them.
5. The majority of fish. Like my chicken, unless deep fried, Ill pass. They look completely unappetizing. No thank you.
Gone, But Not Forgotten
1. McDonalds. Cant help it; I miss french fries and chicken nuggets. I dont think thats ever going to go away. But I can honestly say that I havent had fast food in almost 3 months. And that makes me feel awesome
2. Pints of Haagen Daaz Dulce de Leche Ice Cream. Ugh. Im mourning the loss...
3. Chinese food. Not that I never eat it. But I try to avoid it like the plague. Its just SO high in points!
4. Crunch California Rolls. Mmmm...deep fried. And to that effect, any rolls that have anything fried or "special/house" sauces on them. Yummy=Fat.
5. The freedom to eat whatever I want, as much as I want. Something that, yes, I occasionally miss. Is it easier to go through a bag or doritos rather then measuring out 3 oz? Uh, yeah! But in losing that freedom, Im gaining something so much more awesome. And for the first time in my life, the thing I am gaining isnt weight!
Love you boos!
Xo,
Mary
Thursday, March 11, 2010
(over) Emotional Eating (bingeing)
First, thank you guys for the encouragement. Its been a hell of a rough patch and, while Im still in the midst of it, you guys are making me feel a lot better :)
So, yesterday was really hard. I went with my mom to visit nursing homes for my grandmother. She, thankfully, is doing better and they plan on releasing her from the hospital in the next week or so. But she cant come back home to live. Too many stairs.
We started off our day with breakfast at Dennys. I need to learn my lesson and just stay the hell away from there. My ham and cheese omlette, hash browns and toast cost me 30 points. Yep. All my points for the day.
*Sigh*
We went over and visited the nursing home that is closest to my parents house. Nice facility. But 7000 dollars a month is a bit out of our range.
Which prompted my mom and I to head home, dejected, but with lots of resources in hand. The lady at the facility was very nice and gave us booklets and brochures and phone numbers.
We started calling around. My mom left because she had a meeting with a social worker at the hospital. I called medicare, medi-cal and the county of san mateo to try and find out what kind of programs my grandmother is eligible for. Because she has money in stocks, not much. They want her deplete her savings before they help her. Its frustrating as hell.
Anyway, went and picked up the kiddo, cleaned my parents house and went home. Baby Daddy, trying to be a sweetheart, picked up dinner. He stopped at outback steak house and ordered me a steak, veggies and a wedge salad. I didnt even bother checking the points. I mindlessly scarfed in down, while watching Friends. It wasnt even that good. But I ate it all anyway. Why? WHY!?!
I can see my pattern of emotional eating. And I know its totally wrong. And yet, I do it anyway. I know Im doing it when I am doing it and still I dont stop.
I was ready to pass out at 6, but instead dragged my sorry ass outside in my walkin shoes and my ipod and went for a 6 mile walk. I felt a lot better when I got home. Although I may have stumbled, I was able to catch up with my wagon and hop back on; instead of laying in the dirt like I used to.
Im heading to the library to see if I can track down a copy of the fat flush plan, since Diz is raving about it. Then off for a walk. Today is my grandmothers 102nd birthday(I know right?!) so later on, I hope to have enough points for a piece of cake.
To all my weight warriors, I hope that you are all doing great. Much love bbs.
WELCOME!!!!
To my newest reader-Drazil(its Lizard backwards. Very cute story attached to it!)
Thanks for hanging hon!!
Xo,
Mary
So, yesterday was really hard. I went with my mom to visit nursing homes for my grandmother. She, thankfully, is doing better and they plan on releasing her from the hospital in the next week or so. But she cant come back home to live. Too many stairs.
We started off our day with breakfast at Dennys. I need to learn my lesson and just stay the hell away from there. My ham and cheese omlette, hash browns and toast cost me 30 points. Yep. All my points for the day.
*Sigh*
We went over and visited the nursing home that is closest to my parents house. Nice facility. But 7000 dollars a month is a bit out of our range.
Which prompted my mom and I to head home, dejected, but with lots of resources in hand. The lady at the facility was very nice and gave us booklets and brochures and phone numbers.
We started calling around. My mom left because she had a meeting with a social worker at the hospital. I called medicare, medi-cal and the county of san mateo to try and find out what kind of programs my grandmother is eligible for. Because she has money in stocks, not much. They want her deplete her savings before they help her. Its frustrating as hell.
Anyway, went and picked up the kiddo, cleaned my parents house and went home. Baby Daddy, trying to be a sweetheart, picked up dinner. He stopped at outback steak house and ordered me a steak, veggies and a wedge salad. I didnt even bother checking the points. I mindlessly scarfed in down, while watching Friends. It wasnt even that good. But I ate it all anyway. Why? WHY!?!
I can see my pattern of emotional eating. And I know its totally wrong. And yet, I do it anyway. I know Im doing it when I am doing it and still I dont stop.
I was ready to pass out at 6, but instead dragged my sorry ass outside in my walkin shoes and my ipod and went for a 6 mile walk. I felt a lot better when I got home. Although I may have stumbled, I was able to catch up with my wagon and hop back on; instead of laying in the dirt like I used to.
Im heading to the library to see if I can track down a copy of the fat flush plan, since Diz is raving about it. Then off for a walk. Today is my grandmothers 102nd birthday(I know right?!) so later on, I hope to have enough points for a piece of cake.
To all my weight warriors, I hope that you are all doing great. Much love bbs.
WELCOME!!!!
To my newest reader-Drazil(its Lizard backwards. Very cute story attached to it!)
Thanks for hanging hon!!
Xo,
Mary
Monday, March 8, 2010
Return of the no-good terrible horrible very bad week.
Holy. Crap. They say when it rains it pours. It is blizzarding in my life right now. And in turn, I am making crappy food choices. I guess I still havent broken my emotional eating habit. My grandmother is in the hospital. She fell out of bed and fractured her back. While in the hospital, they found of she has a raging staph infection in her blood stream, is severely anemic and has cancer-but they arent sure where or how bad yet.
My grandmother will be 102 on the 11th.
So its not as if she hasnt lived an incredibly full life. But I guess, since she is so old, I just thought she was just never going to leave us.
Saturday was Kylies 6th birthday. I cooked dinner for 9 people and tried to focus on just giving her whatever she wanted, because god knows she doesnt get that on a daily basis. I was exhausted.
I also think I am in the middle of some sort of weird fight with one of my best friends. She called me at 3 am on Saturday night/Sunday morning and talked to me until 4 am. We made plans to hang out yesterday after I visited my grandmother in the hospital. She flaked on me.
I blew up on my sister and made her cry.
And to top it off, I just started my period and I might possibly have strep throat.
Ugh.
I do not expect to lose today. I actually expect to gain. I am fully aware that I just did not put the effort into this past week that I should have.
Heres to a better one this week :)
Xo y'all,
Mary
Additional: just weighed in. Lost a pound. Thanks for hanging in there body-Ill try and do you right this week :)
My grandmother will be 102 on the 11th.
So its not as if she hasnt lived an incredibly full life. But I guess, since she is so old, I just thought she was just never going to leave us.
Saturday was Kylies 6th birthday. I cooked dinner for 9 people and tried to focus on just giving her whatever she wanted, because god knows she doesnt get that on a daily basis. I was exhausted.
I also think I am in the middle of some sort of weird fight with one of my best friends. She called me at 3 am on Saturday night/Sunday morning and talked to me until 4 am. We made plans to hang out yesterday after I visited my grandmother in the hospital. She flaked on me.
I blew up on my sister and made her cry.
And to top it off, I just started my period and I might possibly have strep throat.
Ugh.
I do not expect to lose today. I actually expect to gain. I am fully aware that I just did not put the effort into this past week that I should have.
Heres to a better one this week :)
Xo y'all,
Mary
Additional: just weighed in. Lost a pound. Thanks for hanging in there body-Ill try and do you right this week :)
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
And boom goes the dynamite.
Is what I am chasing after obtainable?
No seriously.
There may be a chance that it just isnt. Some people are just simply big boned. I was online today and saw an ad for a online store, advertising this dress. It was gorgeous. Cocktail dress. Super classy. I have another wedding to go to in May so I thought to myself "Well, check it out!"
I click and it brings me to the store. Now, I am fully aware, most places dont carry over a 12. But every once in a while you get lucky. I was crossing my fingers for this fact.
And I was in luck. they carried this stunner in sizes xs-xxl. I was elated.
Until I looked at the size chart.
*****ATTENTION DRESS MANUFACTURERS*****
Um. Fuck you. A dress made with the measurements 38-29-39 IS NOT A FUCKING XXL!!! Thats like, a medium! I cant even imagine who squeezes into your xs. Toddlers?
This was not a "junior plus site". Which, I know, the sizes are a little different then plus size. It was a regular womans store. Honestly, am I chasing a fantasy?
At my lowest weight ever, I was still rocking a size 12. Id like to get down to an 8. Id love to walk into a store and be able to not have to search for double digits or double letters. But its very possible that thats just not realistic for my body type.
Its not that Im giving up. Far from it. I am as determined as ever that this weight will come off. And Im not looking to be rail thin. Ew. Not my style. But am I doomed to wander Torrids clearance rack forever?
And on that note: where the hell are all the cute online plus size clothing stores? I have a few(Torrid, Hot Topic, Target,Debshops.com,wetseal.com,old navy(for basics)) But whenever I enter "Plus Size Clothing" into google, I get hawaiian print mu mus and shapeless teeshirts and granny pants. Frustration. Complete and utter frustration.
I know that most of us are just getting our toes wet...is there anyone that reads my blog that has already lost this kind of weight (80+ lbs) and kept it off successfully? I have so many questions! Two in particular.
1. I know that at some point my body will slow down losing weight and I will hit a plateau...what kind of things can you do to prevent or minimize this stage? Can you even do that?
and
2. Excess skin...Im assuming that my body will be lookin like stretch armstrong when I do actually drop all 80 pounds. Is surgery the only thing that conquers that arena?
My lovely ladies, I hope you are all doing fantastic!
WELCOME!!!!
To my new readers!
Another Day and Brownerl!
Thanks guys. Pull up a seat and enjoy the madness!!
No seriously.
There may be a chance that it just isnt. Some people are just simply big boned. I was online today and saw an ad for a online store, advertising this dress. It was gorgeous. Cocktail dress. Super classy. I have another wedding to go to in May so I thought to myself "Well, check it out!"
I click and it brings me to the store. Now, I am fully aware, most places dont carry over a 12. But every once in a while you get lucky. I was crossing my fingers for this fact.
And I was in luck. they carried this stunner in sizes xs-xxl. I was elated.
Until I looked at the size chart.
*****ATTENTION DRESS MANUFACTURERS*****
Um. Fuck you. A dress made with the measurements 38-29-39 IS NOT A FUCKING XXL!!! Thats like, a medium! I cant even imagine who squeezes into your xs. Toddlers?
This was not a "junior plus site". Which, I know, the sizes are a little different then plus size. It was a regular womans store. Honestly, am I chasing a fantasy?
At my lowest weight ever, I was still rocking a size 12. Id like to get down to an 8. Id love to walk into a store and be able to not have to search for double digits or double letters. But its very possible that thats just not realistic for my body type.
Its not that Im giving up. Far from it. I am as determined as ever that this weight will come off. And Im not looking to be rail thin. Ew. Not my style. But am I doomed to wander Torrids clearance rack forever?
And on that note: where the hell are all the cute online plus size clothing stores? I have a few(Torrid, Hot Topic, Target,Debshops.com,wetseal.com,old navy(for basics)) But whenever I enter "Plus Size Clothing" into google, I get hawaiian print mu mus and shapeless teeshirts and granny pants. Frustration. Complete and utter frustration.
I know that most of us are just getting our toes wet...is there anyone that reads my blog that has already lost this kind of weight (80+ lbs) and kept it off successfully? I have so many questions! Two in particular.
1. I know that at some point my body will slow down losing weight and I will hit a plateau...what kind of things can you do to prevent or minimize this stage? Can you even do that?
and
2. Excess skin...Im assuming that my body will be lookin like stretch armstrong when I do actually drop all 80 pounds. Is surgery the only thing that conquers that arena?
My lovely ladies, I hope you are all doing fantastic!
WELCOME!!!!
To my new readers!
Another Day and Brownerl!
Thanks guys. Pull up a seat and enjoy the madness!!
Monday, March 1, 2010
Shocked. *Whoop Whoop*!!!!
Down another 5 pounds. Wowsers! After gorging all last weekend(wedding weekend) as well as having a heart to heart via blogging with Diz(thanks girl) I put a serious effort into this thing.
And it shows
And I am grinning like an idiot.
I am now only 2 pounds from 20 pounds!
Man. There are a lot of feelings coursing through my veins right now and its hard to pin point one to write about.
Happiness first and foremost. I am ever closer to my goal. It feels amazing to actually be putting in the effort, seeing results and sticking with it. To know that this change is happening because of me. Because its something I am working for. I am amazing at half assing everything. Im not going to half ass this. By the end of 2010, people wont even recognize me. I wont even recognize me.
Im feeling, dare I say, sexy? Confident in myself. I spent some time with my ex(which Im sure my mom and sister will be incredibly upset about...sorry guys) and he grabbed me by the waist and said "Holy shit. Your tiny"
I couldnt help but laugh. "Not there yet, but Im trying"
"Seriously. How much have you lost? Whats your goal weight?"
Now, this is a guy who still found me attractive at 280, 260 and 240. I have always been incredibly embarassed about my weight. I think the only men who have ever known what I weight are my dad, brother and ex husband.
But I still didnt know if I was ready to tell him...
"My goal weight in somewhere in the range of 155-165"
"You cant be too far off from that now. What are you, 185?"
Oh my god, I wish. Damn, he's sweet.
Deep breath. "Im in the 230's"
Cue an incredibly shocked look. "Bullshit"
So I lead him into the bathroom and hop onto the scale. The read out was 237.6
"I would have never ever guessed"
"Yeah, I carry it well I suppose. Being 5'9 doesnt hurt"
Did I really just tell the truth about my weight to a man and actually prove it by getting on the scale? What is wrong with me?!
"Youre skinny now, I cant imagine what you'll look like when you lose another 60 pounds. There wont be anything left. Try not to lose your butt and boobs. Those are my favorites."
Lol. Thanks.
So far, actually, I havent. And I was scared that my boobs were gonna be the first to go. But they are hanging in there(thanks ladies!)
Wow. This post random. Maybe I'll post again when my thoughts arent so sporadic.
I wishin you all good karma!
Xo,
Mary
And it shows
And I am grinning like an idiot.
I am now only 2 pounds from 20 pounds!
Man. There are a lot of feelings coursing through my veins right now and its hard to pin point one to write about.
Happiness first and foremost. I am ever closer to my goal. It feels amazing to actually be putting in the effort, seeing results and sticking with it. To know that this change is happening because of me. Because its something I am working for. I am amazing at half assing everything. Im not going to half ass this. By the end of 2010, people wont even recognize me. I wont even recognize me.
Im feeling, dare I say, sexy? Confident in myself. I spent some time with my ex(which Im sure my mom and sister will be incredibly upset about...sorry guys) and he grabbed me by the waist and said "Holy shit. Your tiny"
I couldnt help but laugh. "Not there yet, but Im trying"
"Seriously. How much have you lost? Whats your goal weight?"
Now, this is a guy who still found me attractive at 280, 260 and 240. I have always been incredibly embarassed about my weight. I think the only men who have ever known what I weight are my dad, brother and ex husband.
But I still didnt know if I was ready to tell him...
"My goal weight in somewhere in the range of 155-165"
"You cant be too far off from that now. What are you, 185?"
Oh my god, I wish. Damn, he's sweet.
Deep breath. "Im in the 230's"
Cue an incredibly shocked look. "Bullshit"
So I lead him into the bathroom and hop onto the scale. The read out was 237.6
"I would have never ever guessed"
"Yeah, I carry it well I suppose. Being 5'9 doesnt hurt"
Did I really just tell the truth about my weight to a man and actually prove it by getting on the scale? What is wrong with me?!
"Youre skinny now, I cant imagine what you'll look like when you lose another 60 pounds. There wont be anything left. Try not to lose your butt and boobs. Those are my favorites."
Lol. Thanks.
So far, actually, I havent. And I was scared that my boobs were gonna be the first to go. But they are hanging in there(thanks ladies!)
Wow. This post random. Maybe I'll post again when my thoughts arent so sporadic.
I wishin you all good karma!
Xo,
Mary
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