So, today I was watching House on hulu, trying to catch up on this season. And the last episode I watched was about a avid blogger who gets super sick and obviously ends up in Houses care. At one point she says to her boyfriend "I wish you had a blog so I knew what you were thinking."
Im not sure why that struck such a cord with me, but it did. And it made me think about all the things that I am not saying when I am blogging. And why I hold these things back. While I touch on things that bother me, or make me happy, etc, I am painting a picture for you guys. I am revealing what I choose to, but not necessarily what I should. Even though I dont know any of you personally, it makes me feel dishonest. Would you stop reading if you knew certain aspects of my life? Or would it be inspiring that someone could be so bold and honest, even about the worst things about themselves.
The things we hold back, whether they be good or bad manifest themselves in strange ways sometimes. Why this revelation now? Why do I feel the overwhelming sensation to break myself open like a piggy bank and shake out the contents for all to see. To read. To judge. I suppose sometimes its easier to be revealing to a stranger (although some of you arent strangers anymore!) then it is to someone who knows you well.
I was married once. I got pregnant at 19. One month into a relationship. My gut told me to break up with him. Instead I married him, 6 months after meeting each other. We are still married, legally. We actually live together. It will be 7 years in November. But we havent been together in about 5. I started cheating on him about a year and a half into our relationship. My self worth has always been tangled up in my sex life. The hotter or more unobtainable the man, the better I felt about myself. This turned into a full blown sex addiction for about 2 years. I was reckless about myself and others and couldnt really function as a normal adult. It was almost all-consuming.
The only other thing in my life I could focus on, was my daughter. I never thought I would be a 21 year old single mom. I must say,I did a hell of a job raising her. She is a smart cookie and a wonderful little girl. While people were telling me what an amazing job I was doing, I smiled on the outside. But on the inside...I am so afraid for her to grow up to be anything like me. She deserves so much better. And even though she never saw what I was doing(I NEVER brought men home) I knew that I couldnt keep going the way I was going. Kids are much more intuitive then anyone can measure, and I knew that eventually she would catch on...
Ive only ever been in love once. And it wasnt with my husband. To say I would have lied, cheated, stolen and killed for this man is an understatement. Ive known him since he was 16 and it was literally love at first sight. He has broken my heart, twice and yet, I continue to let him come back time after time. And while I have never said it outloud before, he is the reason I ended my marriage. We've never actually dated. The last time we "broke up", was three years ago in August. He started dating one of my very close friends. I was shattered. Bordering suicidal. This man told me that he loved me, that he wanted to marry me, he wanted me to be the mother of his children. Then he runs. He turned 24 yesterday. For 8 years, I have been passionately in love with him. But I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop with him. He told me on Saturday that he was in love with me. And that he wanted to actually try dating-something we have never done officially. But then for the rest of day, he treated terribly. I understand that when you love someone, you have to love all of them. And god knows I do, but how long will I let this go on? My heart can only be patched up so many times and Im already so jaded. The best thing would be to let him go, which is what I did almost three years ago. And literally, all it took him to get back into my life was a hug and a simple "I know I made a mistake".
Being fat almost makes me feel safe. At my most out of control, I was around 260. If I could be that big and still manage to have sex with so many men, what the hell would I do if I were down 50, 60, 80 pounds? And now that I am making a serious effort and the weight IS coming off, it scares me. Corey(the man who the above paragraph is about) tells me all the time that he is afraid of losing me when I take it all off. Im scared actually. While the pros far outweigh the cons, as I have said before, I am terrible at resisting temptation. The high that comes from seeing a smaller number on the scale has in fact, turned into another addiction for me. Food has become my enemy. I dont even go grocery shopping anymore-Baby Daddy does all the shopping. They say that everything is okay in moderation. Have a cookie or two instead of an entire box. But I cant. Id rather not even make it an option. Id rather make a mental checklist of things I absolutely will not allow myself to have instead of trying to have some sort of balance in my life. I guess Im an all-or-nothin kind of girl. And the list of things I wont allow is swiftly turning into a 2 mile list.I deny myself a lot in hopes that it shows up on the scale. When I began this, I decided I would allow myself one cheat day a month, where I really just kind of ate normally. No point counting. No "off limits" attitude. In the last two months, I have counted my cheat days as days that I have drinken my entire days points.
And yet, the thing that I should be curtailing the most, I am not. My drinking. I will not eat anything but veggies all day when I know I will be going out later in the night. My entire generation has a drinking problem. My friends and I dont think we have drinking problems. But we all do. I never drink to have a drink. I drink to get drunk. And I am drunk at least once a week, if not twice. I have made some of my worst decisions, my most hurtful decisions when I am tanked. I have scars from drunken falls. And while, thankfully, I have never landed myself in jail(knock on wood!) I very well could have. I didnt really start drinking until I got out of high school. I started hanging out with a girl whose parents would always buy us booze. They were of the school of thought that if we were drinking in the house and safe...at least we were in the house and safe. And it just kind of snowballed from there. I obviously stopped drinking when I was pregnant, and for about 6 months after she was born. But I honestly dont know if I could stop or would want to stop for any other reason besides pregnancy.
The decisions we make ultimately shape who we are. Strangely enough, I feel like I should be far more fucked up then I am. Maybe I am and just dont recognize it. Could it be that I have become so good at pulling the wool over peoples eyes that I have done it, inadvertently, to myself?
Thanks for listening.
Xo,
Mary
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Wow Mary...when you said you were about to break open the piggy bank...you weren't kidding! :) I don't want to downplay your post at all by saying it will all be alright, or good for you, but I do have to say that being honest with yourself and with others does wonders for your soul. You can't begin to heal until you are honest with yourself. I think the second step is forgiveness. If you can't forgive yourself for the things you've done, how will you ever move forward? Beyond this though, I'm not sure what happens. I am barely starting to forgive myself fo the things I've done in my past.
ReplyDeleteWhat you said about fear...I think that's why a lot of us have extra weight on...because we're scared. We're scared of facing ourselves and who we know we really are. But it sounds like you are starting to face yourself and deal with whatever is eating you, so hopefully as you figure things out, you will make more decisions that you're at peace with.
And just for the record, I don't think me, or anyone else that reads your blog, would ever judge you for telling the truth. We all have personal demons we're battling too. It's about healing. You will get there girl- you will. Just take a breath and give yourself forgiveness if you haven't already.
I hope this helped somewhat...
xoxo-
D
Mary you are not alone. Thank you for being so candid. As diz said honesty with in your self realy can help. I was 17 when I had my son. I made huge enourmous fuck ups. Thank you for sharing. Lots of Love
ReplyDeletewow that was pretty awesome that you were able to write all of that. Nobody's judging you because none of us are perfect. Go you :) Life's a journey, you'll figure out what works for you.
ReplyDeleteNo judgement here. I certainly have had my share of F-ups. Who cares what anyone else thinks - I have to agree with Diz... you need to forgive yourself before you can move ahead.
ReplyDeleteThe first thing that comes to mind when reading this is that I can relate to a lot of it. In order to get out of a relationship that is not good for you is to start learning how to value yourself. If you don't know how, then look for examples in other people. Read, watch tv, movies and look at real life and see how people behave when they value themselves. You are still very young so you will get there. Just one step at time. make decisions out of love for yourself, not fear. Practice leaving the fear aside. you can do it.
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Jillian says: I've heard bits and pieces of this over the years and God knows you've heard the same stuff come out of my mouth about it for years. But, you know... *cue blah blah blahing*
ReplyDeleteMary, if there is one thing that I think you should take away from your continuing devotion to your weight loss it's this: you can enact positive change in your life. You don't have to settle for the way things are, you can change them and be successful.
When you've mention your drinking problem and your all-or-nothing attitude about things, my tendency is to tell you that you really can change your life for the better (see school, assholes, etc), I say it knowing you don't really believe me. It's understandable: as your sister, it's something you expect me to say and we both have the exact same tendency to dismiss what we don't feel even if it looks to be the obvious truth.
But I hope that with your current triumphs, that you begin to feel it. That you see your capacity to make your life better by your own extraordinary force of will. And I hope you take that feeling and use it when you are ready to look at any issue in your life where you feel hopeless and stagnate. You can do it and you'll know you can do it because you have this experience of accomplishment.
You've always known where your problems are Mary, I don't think you've ever pulled the wool over your eyes. But I think rather than accept them, you're starting to get the tools to address them.
Have to stop now - off to a meeting. Love you!
Wow- you definitely threw it all out there and GOOD for you- I've learned that being honest with ourselves and those around us is priceless and that it is sometimes hard to move forward to better things when we feel like something is holding us back. Kudos!
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing all of that so transparently. What you said rings true for me as well, and believe it or not, you have given me a lot to think about also. Keep the faith and stay strong. For once in your life, you are truly taking care of yourself.
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