My Little Bigger Brother.

This picture was taken August 22nd, 2009. My birthday last year. This is me, my sister(1 year older then myself) and my baby brother (4 years younger)

This is John on a good day. His hair is fairly short and his crazy facial hair isnt too crazy. Lol. Watching this season of Biggest Loser...my brother reminded me so much of Daris. Hiding behind the hair, entertaining everyone, but ultimately going home alone. My brother has never had a girl friend either. He didnt go to his prom. He has never even been out on a date. John, like myself, has been chubby since the age of about 10. In high school, his 280 pound frame got him a place on his football team as defensive tackle. He quit his sophomore year after he tackled a kid and sent him to the hospital.

John is a pretty quiet guy. I wouldnt say shy, but introspective might be a better word. We've had conversations about his future. He is graduating college soon with a degree in video game design(the thing he has wanted to do all his life) and he says he would like to have 3 kids. It breaks my heart that no one thus far has seen my brother for the beautiful person that he is.

So fuck it. Im dragging him along for my weight loss journey. Last night, I told John he should come with me on my walk. We had talked about it a few times before last night, and he said that once he was out of school for the summer(last final was on friday) he would. He shrugged and put his shoes on. We walked outside and it started to drizzle.

"Its raining" he said, looking at the sky.

"Its not raining. Its misty from the fog"

"Its going to rain" he pointed at the sky.

"Maybe" I shrugged and kept walking. He shrugged to and followed.

About 2 miles in, his left shin was really bothering him. He decided to come on this walk in jeans and skate shoes. I said "Its probably because of your shoes. Go to foot locker tomorrow and get running shoes"

He stuck it out with me then entire four miles. Not only that, but we finished in a little over an hour, which is a good time for me, let alone my brother who has never done the walk before. As I drove him home, I told him again, to go get better shoes.

"So you do that walk every day?"

"Yep. Every day. Well, 6 days a week. You should start slow though. Rest tomorrow and then walk with me again on thursday."

"Maybe tomorrow I will do crunches. Focus on a different part of my body the days I dont walk with you."

That was music to my ears. My brother wants to do this. Im not dragging him into anything. He wants this as much as I want this for him. Yay. :)

Now...I just have to get him to eat better...

Xo,
M

Social Lubrication.

So, I had a middle school reunion today, which in itself was awesome. A bunch of us brought blankets, snack, beers and smiles and we hung out at a park not too far from our Alma Mater for about 5 hours.

I brought a 12 pack of corona. I had talked to my middle schooll bff, Elle, and told her I'd spring for the booze and we could split it. When she arrived, she had also purchased a 6 pack. More people came, and I offered drinks to everyone. Some partook, some brought their own. At the end of the day, I had consumed 5 beers. And a shot of whiskey (thanks Tomylee...)

Its Saturday night. I had made plans with my best friend Christina to hang out tonight and I just cant do it. I feel awful. Tonight is really the only night I have to hang out late, seeing as I dont have work tomorrow. I am laying in bed, regretting the decision to day drink.

And the more I think about it(and watch the biggest loser) the more I wonder why I drink at all. I mean, even when I dont drink, my personality is huge. Im bubbly, charismatic and hilarious (if I do say so myself) anyway. Why do I need to lower my inhibitions? Do I even have inhibitions?!

I was talking to Diz, (my P.I.C.) and was telling her that I really would like to try and not drink the entire month of June. Of course she gave me a cyber high five. I also told my mom. I thought she was going to cry. She said thats probably the best news Ive given her in quite some time. I really would like to not drink. Its weird because almost all my weekend events involve drinking. Im at home because I cant stand the thought of being around alcohol right now and everyone I know is out drinking, whether at someones house or at a bar. I dont mind staying home, im excited to catch up on sleep. But will my social life suffer because I choose to be sober?

Obviously, Ill keep you guys posted on my trials and tribulations. I just want to be okay with the person I am. If not drinking is who I am, great. If I stop and realize that its just a art of who I am, so be it. But nothing ventured, nothing gained right?


WELCOME!!!

In Case You Were Wondering!!!

Thanks for following sweetie. I hope you find my blog inspirational. Or thought provoking. Or at the very least, comical :)

Outer appearances can be deceiving...

This is one of my best friends, Bub. He got married this weekend to his high school sweetheart. I kept being told how amazing I looked, which was nice. I had my hair done, my nails done, was in a fabulous dress. And inside, I felt like shit. My self confidence is totally faked. A lot. And unfortunately, to overcompensate for just how terrible I felt, I drank far too much. I had had 3 pork sausages for breakfast and a salad. And that was it. I remember bits and pieces after dinner, which is terrible. I am so incredibly embarrassed that I let myself get that out of control. especially at my best friends wedding. We spoke about it yesterday, and he said that I wasnt out of control or anything, and still conducted myself well. Its still heartbreaking that there are huge chunks of his wedding I cant remember.

I honestly dont know why I am so unhappy right now. There have been times in the past when I have fallen into a depression. It lingers for a while and then lifts. I am hoping this one is a short one. Im having a hard time believing that anyone else loves me because I cant love myself.

Weight wise, Im still doing okay. I lost 1.5 lbs this week. I tried to stay on track, and I did. But I think that Saturdays liquid diet, as well as Sundays fiesta( we had Mimosas and BBQ while the newly weds opened gifts) did me in. But I am very close to being at my lowest in 6 years-219. Im going to try and keep my head up and push through this.

To my newest readers: LauraLynne and Bringing Pretty Back; thanks for following girls! I hope you enjoy me! Lol. Welcome welcome!!!

Kicked In The Trash

Lol, I stole the expression from Diz. Its adorable. And it accurately describes what I have done, to myself, the last week.

Anyway, weigh in this morning.

And wouldnt you know it. Recommitting myself to myself has TOTALLY paid off. 6 pounds! And not only did I drop 6 pounds this week, the 6 pounds brings my total to 30 pounds overall.

I have lost 30 freaking pounds!?! Thats incredible. Going into this, I really did want to lose the weight, but I honestly didnt expect to get this far. Hell, I didnt expect to get past 10 pounds. But I have. And it feels amazing. Im about a 1/3 of the way there, seeing as my goal is 80 pounds. But this is a fantastic start!

As a reward, I am getting my hair done on wednesday, as well as a mani/pedi. Well...I already had plans to get my hair done, but now I can say its a reward and justify spending the 140 dollars. Lol.

I guess its almost time to post new progress pictures, which I probably will, at the end of the month.

I wouldnt be here without you guys. My rocks. My pillars of wisdom and guidance. Thanks y'all!

Xo,
M

What I Am Working For?

So, walking tonight I have an epiphany. Not a good one either.

Im losing weight for health reasons(obviously) but also for my own vanity and social reasons. But the thought dawned on me...what if my fat was not the reason I havent been in a relationship in years. What if I drop all this weight and realize that Im just not someone men want to date? Its a scary prospect. I always thought that my "guy habits" (liking sports, drinking beer, being easy going, etc) were pluses in a mans eyes. But what if Im wrong. Do guys want to date girl versions of themselves? I mean, I can put on lipstick and a miniskirt, but underneath that, my personality stays the same. Are friendship and sex really the only thing I have to offer members of the opposite sex? Its a daunting question, one that I hope to have answered soon.

I walked every single day this week, except for Saturday. When I played kickball. I stayed within my points every day...even if I didnt always make the greatest food decisions. I made a real effort to get back on track with this. I am hoping it is reflected into tomorrows weigh in.

Happy Mommas Day to all my moms out there!

Xo!
M

Recommittment. Part Deux.

Both good and bad. I have walked every day this week. On tuesday, I walked an extra two miles. My feet are killing me. Which lets me know that, sadly, its time to buy new shoes. The tread on the shoes are almost completely gone. I was reading about the best walking shoes-and Brooks Ariel Motion Control are it for overweight women. I bought shape ups and they just arent what I want. They arent made for long distance walking. Anyone wanna buy a pair of tried-on-but-never-worn 8.5 shape ups?

Besides the walking, I am trying to make better choices when it comes to food. While I did have a burrito for dinner tonight, I have been focusing a lot more on veggies, soup and ww frozen meals. Mostly because I am still not doing well counting points. Easier when the point value is starring me in the face. Although, I am totally indulging on the Lucerine Strawberry Sunday cups. 3 points. Mmmmm...ice cream.

My water intake is still terrible. Some days are better then others...but some days I can go a whole day and only drink 8 ounces. *sigh* Something I have to keep striving for.

Im keeping my fingers crosses for a drop on the scale. I think a drop, more then a few ounces, will really help motivate me again.


Welcome welcome welcome to my newest reader!!

Rachel Rodney!!!

Buckle up...weight loss it quite the bumpy ride darling!

Xo,
Mary

BYOC. All of em.

Yeah, so, Ive never done one of Drazils BYOCs. So I figured I would do all of them in one chunky post.

1. What’s your favorite smell?

All my favorite smells are weird, as well as they are all attached to something from my childhood. Chlorine and Gasoline are way up there. As well as Orange Blossom oil and Gardenias.

2. What is your all-time favorite movie and why?

Thats so hard. Im terrible at picking favorite anythings. Shaun of the Dead. It combines my love for zombies and comedy together. That or The Goonies. Ooh, Count of Monte Cristo is an amazing movie. Oh boy. See what I mean? I could go back and forth for quite some time.

3. What’s your trigger food?

By Trigger Im assuming the one food I just cant eat a rational portion of? Chicken Tacos. Ive said it before and Ill say it again. Never going to limit myself. I easily put down between 10-15 in a sitting.

4. When someone you love is going through a difficult time – what are your go-to words to make them feel better – in just a sentence or two?

God never gives us more then we can handle at one time.


1. Name a career you would NOT want to do and tell why.

I worked for TSA at the airport for a while. I had to quit. When the thought that I could be responsible for letting the next 9/11 happen, by missing something on an xray or pat down...it was too much. I cant handle that kind of responsibility.

2. What’s the best present you ever received for your birthday?

My first digital camera. Hands down. Thousands of pictures and three cameras later, im still in love with photography.

3. What do you hide behind?

Sex. Its easier for me to sleep with someone, then for me to be vulnerable and date someone.

4. Where were you born?
San Francisco

1. If you ever won the lottery – what’s the very first thing you’d do?

Pay off my parents morgage.

2. What is your favorite curse word?

FUCK.

3. What is your favorite holiday and why?

4th of July. When I was a kid, without fail, we spent our 4th of Julys at my grandmothers house in Madera(central california for those of you wondering) We'd spend all day in the pool, have an amazing dinner and then once nightfall hit, us kids would run up and down the sidewalk with sparklers, while the adults lit fireworks off in the street. There usually wasnt a house on the block that wasnt full of kids tearing around. Around 9 there would be a huge firework show going on at the fairgrounds, which you could see from the front lawn. I only hope that my daughters holiday memories are as full of happiness and love as mine are.

4. What turns you on?

Roughnecks!! Give me a hard working labor man. Rough hands. Big arms. The smell of a hard days work on a man. Its sexy. That, and being bit. TMI? Lol.

1. If you could have lunch with a famous person who would it be and what would you order?

Oh man. Thats so hard!! Id really love to get Simon Pegg and Ed Frost together. They are hilarious. Or Kevin Smith and Jason Mewes. Adam Sandler and Judd Apatow. I love comedy duos! But right this second, Lindsay Lohan. She just strikes me as someone who really needs a friend right now.

2. Where’s the furthest place you’ve traveled to?

Puerto Vallerta. For spring break a couple years ago. SO fun.

3. If you could describe yourself in 4 words – what would they be?

Sassy, Creative, Affectionate, Hilarious.

4. What’s one interesting thing about you we don’t know?

I plan myself incredibly elaborate birthday parties. Past themes: 80's, Prom, Mardi Gras, Mafia Wedding, Scavenger Hunt. I need to stop because I keep trying to top myself. I was thinking of renting a boat this year to have a pirate themed party. I, in no way, can afford to rent a boat.

1. If you could be a Superhero (like Gilly) - what would you be called or what would your powers be?

My ex told me if I were a superhero, I would be Miss Marvel. I asked why. He said "Shes hot, strong as hell and enjoys drinking" 'Nuff said.

2. Name one physical thing you love about you and one mental thing you love about you.

Physically, I love my lips. They are full. The kind of lips that people pay for injections for. Mentally, I like that I have the ability to look at a situation and try to see how I can make it better.

3. If you stood in front of God (or whatever Supreme Being you may believe in) - what question would you ask him?

Id ask him how his day was.

4. Besides yourself - who was/is your biggest enabler in your weight loss journey?

Maybe not my biggest enabler, but my biggest hypocrite was my grandmother on my dads side. We ate the WORST possible foods at her house. Then, when I was in 5th grade, she gave me a book called "What ever happened to fat glenda?" About a girl who is overweight and how hard it is for her to eat right and fit in with her classmates. I cried when she gave me that book. And she has never stopped. She is 102(yeah, I know. Super old.) and she still tries to get us to eat KFC, and yet has no problem telling my brother"Ill give 100 dollars if you lose 20 pounds"

5. What do you do for a living (another reader request question)?

I take care of said 102 year old grandmother part time. Shes practically bedridden, so its quite the task sometimes. I also teach kindergarten art at my daughters school.

1. If you could change your first name - what would it be?

Well, for the longest time, I would have said Kylie. But I named may daughter that. So I would probably go with either Charlene or Charlotte. But everyone would call me Charlie

2. Why are man hole covers round?

Holes suggest to me round. Like a donut hole. Round.

3. What's one of your biggest pet peeves?

People who cant drive. I will find you and kill you.!!!

4. If you could be a car - what would it be? Post a pic if you can.

I will always pine for the T Top Mustang my dad had when I was a kid. I thought it was the dopest car ever!

1. If you could be a weather forecast, what would you be and why?

80, not clouds, slight western breeze. Perfect weather.

2. If you could be a crayon, what color would you be and why?

Cerulean. Gorgeous blue

3. What is/was your biggest physical goal you want to do when you hit your goal weight?

Id love to get a tattoo on my hip bone. When you can see my hip bone. Id also like to get into a bathing suit, doesnt even need to be a 2 piece, and not feel embarassed.

4. If you could be any animal, what would it be and why?

Raccoon. Not only are they feisty little warriors and adorable, but they dont leave a fallen coon behind. I was driving home one night and I saw a raccoon had been hit by a car. It was laying in the middle of the street, trying to crawl to the sidewalk, with the help of two other raccoons. I shit you not, each of the other raccoons had an arm in their paws and was trying to pull him to the side of the road. I grabbed a box from the market across the street and brought the raccoon to the emergency vet not too far away. When I called a couple days later to see if the raccoon had made it, the vet told me that there were constantly two other raccoons outside the facility, one had even ventured in. Thats brotherhood right there.

Alright. So there we go. Ive brought my own crazy :)

Recommitment.

So, I stayed the same weight ALL of April, and then gained a pound and a half this week. I need a serious commitment from myself. Im fallin off the wagon again and letting my eating habits get back again. I had Jack In The Box on Friday. I havent eaten fast food in months and I had some drinks with friends(also, another reason I gained this week!) and mindlessly, ate some of Kevins curly fries. I could have kicked myself.

I havent been counting points what-so-ever. This past week I had tacos, steak and backed potato, curly fries, gnocchi with pesto sauce and TONS of cheese, sushi and cheescake.

I am 5 months into this and Ive only lost 25 pounds. I had stellar months in January and February and Im starting to lose steam and let the fat girl inside me take over.

Well screw that and screw her too.

In May I Will:

1. Make the effort to count my points. I believe I have moved down from 30 points a day to 28.

2. In counting those points, I will make better food choices. Just because I have the 14 points to spend on the cheescake, doesnt mean I should.

3. Walk at least 5 times a week. There are days I just wont be able to fit it into my schedule, and I understand that. But Glee shouldnt take top billing over my weight loss goals. Even though Glee is fantasic.

4. Take my goals more seriously. When I eat badly, I always say "Tomorrow is a new day" I dont want to continue to fall back on that. I will take responsibility for my actions and change them then and there. Not tomorrow or next week.

5. Stop eating out of boredom or emotion!!!!!!

6. Step up my water intake. Like, a lot.

Xo!
Mary