Void.

Work is both a breeze and mentally taxing. Its made me more nuturing, and at the same time, vicious. I take care of my grandmother. She is 102 and needs constant care. I love her. A lot. But, its getting harder and harder to remember that she isnt doing things to piss me off. Her body is failing her. For almost 100 years she was able to get around on her own, fix her own meals, bathe alone, use the bathroom. And now, she cant do any of these things. Im frustrated when Im changing her and she HAS to sit down. Before I can wipe her. Which means I have to change the sheets for the second time today. When she yells out for me (usually "Okay!") which is my cue to run upstairs to see if she needs something, my parents and I joke about it. I feel absolutely awful. She is my grandmother. She has never been anything but loving towards us. She has never told me she loves me(shes old school) but showed it in every single thing that she did for us kids growing up. And I am repaying her back that kindness by rolling my eyes when she cant boost herself up from the chair or giggling when she yells for me? What kind of person does that? I am ashamed and disgusted (and crying) as I write this. She cant see and can barely hear, so every activity she used to do(knitting, reading, watching tv, crossword puzzles, cooking,etc) are out of the question. Most days, she just lies in bed, when shes not up to eat. I often wonder how she fills her days. What she thinks about. How she feels. I guess its just as hard to watch her grow older as it is for her to be experiencing it. I will be better to her because she deserves it.

So its hard to be encouraging when inside I feel like such a poor excuse for a human being. I love all my warriors, deep in your own trenches of the weight loss battle. And silently, I pray for you all to find the things you need to help you win this war.

There is a void where my mouth used to be.

Xo,
M

*Deep Breath* Okay. I think I got it.

I may not have found myself, but I found my voice and my confidence.

I ended things with Corey this weekend. For good. Usually, when I have said this in the past, it was coupled with a lot of crying and moping and pining for him. I never knew closure could feel so amazing. Dare I say, Im excited he wont be in my life anymore. I have wasted 8 long years on this guy. And sadly, he is still the terribly immature 16 year old boy I met all those years ago. We exhanged some very harsh words. Mine were of truth. He has a drug habit, which makes me nervous. I told him he has a problem and he needs to get help.

He in turn, raged, full force. He called me a bad mother, a slut and told me that his ex girlfriend(my ex-friend) was right about me, I am just a psycho.

I laughed. I cant believe it. I actually laughed. I laughed because for the first time ever, I wasnt upset with him. Mad nor sad. I felt bad for him. Bad that he couldnt step back and see that I was saying these things out of worry. Bad that he felt like he needed to say those things to me. And bad that all my hoping that deep down he really was an amazing guy, was wrong.

I basically told him there was a reason that all of his friends had become my friends and no one wanted to see him anymore. He was an asshole. He never thinks anything he does is wrong. The people he hangs out with now are druggies. He has exactly two friends left from high school and I know for a fact that one of them is fed up with him.

I wished him nothing but the best and let him know that this would be the last time I spoke to him. I erased his number out of my phone and deleted him from my facebook. Strangely enough, its almost a "no love lost" situation. If I saw him on the street, I feel like I would be very indifferent toward him. I have nothing left to say and no left over feelings.

I feel amazing.

I am 2 weeks away from being exactly 1/2 a year into this weight loss journey, and I am 4 pounds away from being halfway at my goal weight. Its an amazing feeling. To know that I am strong enough to dedicate myself to something and have it pay off is huge.

My brother has lost 6 pounds and my dad is down 8.

Overall, my life is pretty awesome right now.

Except.

Kylie has been sick with pneumonia, which has made her going to school impossible. So Ive been toting her to work. That god that my mom helped me out a lot last week. Thankfully, her meds have made her just well enough to go to school today and tomorrow-her last two days. She has a birthday party to go to which I believe her Auntie Stina will be taking her to(my Bff. Im super lucky!)



I have missed you all. Hope the days have been treating you well!
Xo,
Mary

Milk Carton.

I am lost.

Somewhere in all the chaos that is my life, I went missing. I am actively searching, but have yet to turn up.

I'll see you all when I find myself again.

Xo,
M

...Like Forrest Gump?

Tonights walk consisted of me, my brother, my dad and our doggy, Dakota. My dad is actually walking with me more then my brother is. If you look back at the road trip pictures, my dad isnt a big guy. He is 6'1, 208 pounds. But, he'd like to be in better shape and shave off some of his belly. So he has decided to walk with me too. He said tonight, as we were walking "You're like Forrest Gump..." I look at him, a little lost at what that is supposed to mean. "Youre gonna have to explain that." "You started walking one day. You've amassed me and your brother, sometimes Christina(my BFF) Soon you'll have a hoard of people following you."

I made a joke about being surprised that he didnt say I was slightly mentally ill and a single parent, which we all giggled at. But inside, it made me feel really good. My dad has been a huge cheerleader for me when its come to my weight loss; he notices and tells me I look great when I lose weight. To think that I am an inspiration to anyone is weird. To think that I am an inspiration to my family is weird x100.

Foodwise, I havent been super great this week. But Ive been walking and drinking up a storm(water wise) Im hoping to see a drop on the scale...I forgot to weigh myself on Monday(I was all mixed up cuz of the weekend) And weighed myself tuesday. I gained 4 pounds?!? I honestly think my parents scale is broken. No way did I gain 4.


WELCOME!!!!!!!!!!

To my fantastic new readers: Then I Got Fat and LDSwims.

Enjoy darlings. Welcome aboard!!

Owie.

I walked 10 miles yesterday and I am paying for it today. I forgot to weigh in on Monday, so Ill weigh in next week. I. Am. Exhausted.

I know...quite the exciting post.