I couldnt bare to say it to his face. But I couldnt keep it in. So I took the chicken shit route and texted him. I cant believe I did that. Im a stronger person then that.
"So...while you were in Salt Lake City, I was at Kaiser for 6 hours, miscarrying/terminating our child. Didnt want to ruin your vacation. This is kind of a fucked up text..."
He called me immediately.
"So. What?"
I explained to him what happened. I could tell that his usual "What am I supposed to say" silence had been replaced with him actually trying to find the right words.
"Im sorry. But Im glad you told me. Is there anything I can do?"
Well, color me shocked.
We got deeper into the conversation and I told him the main reasons why I knew that we couldnt have a kid.
"If we had a boy, Id hate for him to grow up, seeing our dynamic, and think that treating women, the way you treat me is okay. If we had a little girl, there is no way in hell I would want to her to accept the kind of treatment from her man that I get from you"
"You dont think I treat you well?" I think I actually struck a chord.
"Corey, lets be honest. Our dynamic is completely fucked. Its both of our faults. I let you get away with treating me terribly."
"You dont think I would change that if we had children?"
"Would you?" I kind of winced at this question. It was a big one.
"I didnt know you didnt like the way I treat you now."
I sigh. We both kind of steered the conversation to lighter topics. He made jokes and made me laugh. I told him that things were going to be okay. But I dont know if thats true. I used to make it my mission in life to make sure that things were okay between me and him. I love him, completely. But more often then not lately, I believe that love is a mirage. A vision somewhere in the distance of how amazing it could be. Time and experience has made me jaded. I love him, honestly, I do. I always will. I cant imagine my life without him and yet sometimes, I think I would be better off without him. I used to think he was my book. And the book was going to have a happy ending. Maybe all this time, he has just been a chapter.
I lost an ounce. It made me cry, because I knew what that ounce was. It wasnt me eating well or exercising. It was a piece of me that was taken away. That I opted to be taken away. This loss truely is a loss.
"Happy birthday, I love you, whoever you woulda been" Happy Birthday by Flipsyde.
Your thoughts, hugs, kind words and prayers...I cant thank you guys enough. This has truly been one of the hardest times of my life. Thank you all for letting me be so honest about this and listening and really being there for me. You guys have been my security blanket...youre all very warm and cuddly :) I love you guys and will for ever and ever.
XoXo,
Mary
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I'm really glad he didn't respond the way you were expecting him to, and I'm glad you brought up that he doesn't treat you well. Perhaps he'll start thinking about it and things will work out. Perhaps not. If not, then you can really take that as a sign to let go, I suppose.
ReplyDeleteDon't ever forget how strong you are. Thank you for letting us be your buoy when you thought you were drowning. <3
Lovey Miss Erika is right you are amazingly strong! I hstill hope you find peace. And your right about telling him he treats you like junk. And your right maybe he will end up just being a chapter. But there is a happy ending that I know its out there and maybe it was blocked by Cory or maybe it will be Cory. But I wish you peace whatever path life takes you on.
ReplyDeleteHugs hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs.
ReplyDeleteHonestly I have no words, just *HUGS*
Hey grrl, it's probably best that you told him. That way you don't share all of the culpability. You didn't get into the situation alone and shouldn't have to bear the fall out alone, imo. Maybe after hearing that how he treats you effected your decision, Corey will change his ways or at least think the next time he does something insensitive.
ReplyDeleteMy heart just sighed when I read "I lost an ounce. It made me cry..." Keep your head up and keep being the best you that you can be.
We love you sweetheart!
ReplyDeleteI love you, Mary.
ReplyDeleteLove, at times, can be a mirage. But to pass up an oasis for fear of being let down means you'll never escape the desert.