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First off.

Erika, Kerri, Drazil, Jenn,Rheina, Keri,KatieJ and Lola I cant tell you how much you support meant to me. I cant express my gratitude. Seriously, thank you guys for being my online family. I love you guys.

I went into the doctor on friday, suddenly, because I started bleeding and cramping. I was afraid I was miscarrying. They took me in immediately and bombarded me with tests. Blood tests, urine tests, ultrasound, sonogram. I was literally at the doctors for 6 hours on friday. At two o'clock, I was sitting in the doctors office and her biggest concern was that I was pregnant, but the pregnancy was not located in my uterus. Which, she explained, meant that it could continue to grow and possibly burst, making me extremely ill or possibly worse...

I already have a weakened immune system because of my lupis, so they didnt want to take any chances. She explained to me that they were going to extract fluid from my uterus to test and they would be able to test and find out where my pregnancy was. After 10 very painful minutes of extraction, they rushed the fluid down to the lab and she told me to relax. That in 30 minutes they would know exactly what is going on in my body.

In the mean time, I went down to the lab. There was a chance that I was going to need a shot and the injection room closed at 4:00. It was 3:40. I sat in one of the vinyl chairs, worried about the possibility of having to go into surgery.

3:44. My cell phone rings.

Doc. "Great news! The pregnancy was in your uterus!"

Me. "Okay. So what does this mean? What now?"

Doc. "Nothing, youre all done. We ordered you some antibiotics, they should be at the pharmacy"

Me. "Okay, so now I just go through my "termination" appointments as scheduled?"

Doc pauses. "Oh honey. I thought you understood. The procedure you had done today was the termination"

Me. Shocked. "I thought you were extracting fluid?"

Doc. "We extracted the fluid and tissues that were showing up on your sonogram. If you hadnt been pregnant in your uterus, you would still be pregnant and we would have to be searching for where you were carrying the fetus. But you were pregnant where you were supposed to be. But the pregnancy was effectively terminated with the extraction."

I thanked her for being an awesome doctor(she really was) and hung up the phone and immediately started crying. This is what I was going to do all along. But having it done and not knowing that it was done? Emotional suicide. I sat in my car, after picking up my prescription, and starred blankly at the other cars in the garage. How can a decision that I know is right feel so utterly wrong?

Im going back and forth, trying to figure out if I should tell the dad. He is on vacation right now and gets back on monday. Emotionally, I want to tell him. I want him to hold me while I cry and tell me he is sorry he wasnt there for me when it happened. Rationally, I know that the possibly of that happening is pretty fucking slim.

Love you ladies. Hope everyone is enjoying their weekend and doing well.

Xo,
Mary

Ps. Diet wise...ive been pretty bad. Emotional eating is rearing its ugly head. Ive tried to curtail it. Will be weighing in on Monday. And we'll go from there.