Mirage.

"Love, at times, can be a mirage. But to pass up an oasis for fear of being let down means you'll never escape the desert."

My sister is pretty inspiring.

I was thinking about my weight today. Shock, right? I have the wedding coming up. And I have been diligent(as hell) about walking this week. Id like to drop a few more pounds. Obviously, there is a guy to impress. I always set my bar FAR too high. Wedding is the 15th. Id like to weight 10 pounds less. The walking still hurts-my uterus is very angry with me. As it should be. And I know loves, I really should be heeding your advice and resting. I know I should. Rationally, I am an idiot. Who puts vanity in front of health? 10 pounds in 2 weeks is a mirage. Its not realistic. And instead of saying "Okay, I need to slow down and just give my body some time." I am pushing it. For the sake of looking better in a dress.

I also am having some issues when it come to looking at myself. When I look at myself in the mirror, i dont think what I am looking at is that big. Way better then before, obviously. But I see myself in pictures and I cringe. When I walked out of the house, I thought I looked amazing. Thats what I truly looked like? Gross!! How could my eyes be deceiving me so badly!?!

Although, I did get quite the ego boost today. I got the dress in the mail today. Huge. I mean, I was swimming in the thing. I called up the "offical seamstress" for the wedding party and went in to see her. She shook her head.

"Why did you buy this?"

I was confused. I like the dress!

"Its huge on you. You cant possibly think this would fit"

"No. I figured it would be a size too big, but not this bad"

"What size?"

"This is a 22"

She quickly begins to pull at the dress, pinning it into place where she will be taking it in. She clucked her tongue against the roof of her mouth and shakes her head again. "You needed 18 at the most. Youre between a 18 and a 16"

16? I havent been a 16 in 6 years. And even then, it was a fleeting 16 on my way up from 12 to a 22. The last time I was a solid 16 was when I was a sophomore in high school. Yeeesh.

I look at myself in the mirror. There are huge flaps of cloth on either side of my body. I wish I would have taken a picture. That was a hell of a progress picture. To see exactly how far I have come down. It was pretty cool. But in the same breath, the flap of belly fat I have made me frown.

Im going to take a rest tonight from walking. Promise. :)

X's and O's bbs!

Mary