MySpace.

Im feeling very weird. Im not usually a sad person. There is a lot in life that I have to be thankful for! But this weekend left me feeling very strange.

Friday night.
After consuming quite a bit of alcohol(I think I stayed under my points...I think...) I decided what better time to have a 3 am conversation about "where we are" with the guy I have been hooking up with for the last year and some change. Even though I know where we are. We cant date each other for some very complicated reasons. And I knew that going in. And we have managed to keep a pretty low profile. But I keep having to hear about other females that he is hooking up with. Now, a wise girl would say "I dont need this" and walk away. Which is what I should do. But I care a lot about him. And I knew getting into this quasi-relationship how this would end up. Im assuming from an outsiders perspective, this is gonna look really bad. Usually, it doesnt bother me. We have an amazing time when we are together. He doesnt even look at other girls when we are around each other. I know he cares about me, he tells me often. We just cant date. It weighs on me heavily sometimes. Friday night was one of those nights.

Saturday.
Waking up in a funk...as well as hungover...sucked. But I dragged my ass outta bed, went home and changed. I headed off to my best friends birthday kickball-bbq-booze extravaganza. And I didnt drink! I didnt really eat either...I stuck to the chips and salsa because everything else was creamy, fatty, or sugary goodness. Played kickball for 3 hours and I am a lot sorer(more sore?) then I thought I would be. Went over to the hospital to meet my new nephew who is absolutely perfect. Came home to change for the "S" themed party I was supposed to be going to. Then I got a call from my friend Kevin. Who proceeded to tell me, extremely inebriated, that he was planning on killing himself.

I freak out. Obviously. But keep calm and just talk to him about all the pros and cons about this plan he's got. Kevin is a Marine. He got back from a 14 month stint in Iraq about 6 weeks ago. Since he has been home, his girlfriend of a year broke up with him and his brother actually tried to commit suicide, which Kevin stopped, thank god.

So we are texting back and forth for about 2 hours. I tell him I am coming over so we can talk. He agrees. I drive the half hour in the rain to his spot and call him. No answer. I knock on his door. No answer. I freak out. More. What am I supposed to do? Walking back to my car, I notice that my ex's truck is parked across the street from Kevs house. I call him.

"Are you with Kevin?"

"Uh. Yeah"

"Where are you?"

"We're drinking and playing video games. Why?"

I hang up. Pissed. I dont know what to think. I drive home. Take off my soldier costume. Text Suzanne and apologize for flaking on her party. I go a little crazy foodwise-I had a chicken nugget and a bite of a chicken sandwich and I didnt track my points at all yesterday. Then sleep. For 11 hours.

Sunday.

Still in my funk. Im texting Kevin as Im writing this and he hasnt mentioned killing himself or last night for that matter. So thats good. Im still wicked pissed though. Who does that to a friend? And its pouring rain. So it looks like Im heading over to moms to jump on the tredmill for a while. Im pretty sore from kickball yesterday, but Im ready to get back on my horse and ride.

Hope you are all having a fantastic weekend!

Xo,
CC